Fruitikenesis

NARRATOR: He felt his blood coursing through his veins. It wasn’t like a new sensation of blood coursing through his veins, no. But, this time, for the first time, he actually felt it. First at his hands, then up his biceps, and then to his heart. He never noticed the feeling as his body would make microscopic convulsions when his heart beat. His heart. It was faint as usual, nothing outrageous. But, he noticed that too. The more he thought about his body making involuntary actions, he heard his breath, and then now all of a sudden he felt his breaths again. His heartbeat: steady. His breathing: regular. But he never felt this way before. Charlie was inebriated for the very first time ever. He was dealing with whatever the clinical trial had given him. The pay was good enough to compensate for the kitchen job he had.

DOC: As usual, we’d like to keep you under observation overnight. Is that still alright?

CHARLIE: (middle-aged) Yeah, yeah. I remember signing the document. Is memory loss a usual side effect from this stuff?

DOC: I’m sorry, CHARLIE. You have to tell us what you’re feeling. You’re the one undergoing the test.

CHARLIE: Right. Right. Yeah. So… I had it. We’re not doing anything. I don’t know what to tell you.

DOC: I need you to tell me what you’re sensing.

CHARLIE: Yes.

NARRATOR: His focus was no longer on his blood, nor his breaths. He was trying to think about what he was thinking about before the doctor had interrupted his feelings. Right! Feelings. He was feeling the floor below him. Every second, his foot twitched the smallest bit, but he was feeling it.

CHARLIE: Right! My feet. I feel my feet.

DOC: You “feel your feet?”

CHARLIE: My blood making vibrations in my foot?

DOC: Describe “vibrations.” Like… a hum? An earthquake perhaps?

CHARLIE: No. Like blood. Pulsing. Can we have some music in here? Who even decided to have us in a white room?

DOC: It eliminates variables. Please, CHARLIE. What are you feeling right now?

CHARLIE: I’m feeling like… I wanted music..? How are we doing on that music, by the way?

DOC: I’m sorry, CHARLIE. What is it that goes through your mind right now?

CHARLIE: Okay. No music. Is that ‘cuz you wanted that sterile environment?

DOC: Yes. (to another doctor in room) I’m going to go ahead to stage 2. He’s progressing much faster than the last few.

DOC 2: That’s 17 minutes, 5 seconds.

DOC: What is the thought-

CHARLIE: Stage 2? What’s this stage 2?

DOC: It’s just the phases we discussed earlier.

CHARLIE: Yeah. That we aren’t supposed to know what you’re thinking before we come in. I’m here now. How many stages are there?

DOC: You will get final results in the morning, and see what tests we ran, once the testing is totally completed.

NARRATOR: His mind started to wander to carpeting. A nice addition to the sterile room they were currently sitting in.

DOC: We are not permitted to disclose our processes until- (trying to get his attention) Hey! CHARLIE! Are you paying attention to me?!

NARRATOR: He actually hadn’t been focused on the conversation at hand once he determined his question wasn’t going to be answered. But, his mind was sharp as a tack at this second. The doctor had yelled at him.

CHARLIE: (yelling defensively) What!? I can’t focus right now at this very second- I just got hit by your pills! Oh. (settling down) Oh, I see.

DOC: (upset) What do you see, CHARLIE?

CHARLIE: You’re on “stage 2.” This is a secret step I didn’t notice, but now I know it’s you yelling at me to see how I am going to react. I’m not a violent- hey. Where’s my earbuds?

DOC: Your earbuds?

SFX: Patting himself down, looking for his earbuds

CHARLIE: Yeah yeah. I definitely had them on before I got here. Yeah! I had them on in the waiting. No wait. When you took my um. My. My um… electronics, your, you guys took my earbuds. That’s weird. Do. Do you guys sanitize my earbuds, since they went into your bins? Oh god. Were other earbuds in the bin before mine, and now mine will get cross-contaminated by other peoples’ earwax? That’s disgu- do you guys even sanitize the bins before you let people put earwax in the bins? (pause) Well? Do you?

DOC: I assure you your earbuds will be fine. Are you ready for your next dose?

CHARLIE: That’s what phase 2 meant. Another hit. Okay. I’m ready. You can pass it over.

NARRATOR: After CHARLIE made it back to his apartment the next morning, he immediately went to bed. He had been awake the last 27 hours, high as a kite. Once the doctors declared him healthy enough, they sent him home. After having kept him awake the entire night. He checked his phone, but after scrolling a length and a half of his social media feed, he passed out. 11:42am arrived, his phone buzzing on the nightstand.

SFX: Phone vibrating on wood

CHARLIE: (groggy, yawn) Yeah. Good morning. Yeah. I’m fine. Why?

CHEF(on phone): CHARLIE! You’re late for your shift again. Did you quit?!

CHARLIE: No! No. Why? Wait. What? “Again?”

CHEF: You’ve been MIA for the last two days.

CHARLIE: No. I was there yesterday. I’m sorry. I’m jumping in the car now. I’ll see you in 10.

NARRATOR: CHARLIE had in fact, overslept his alarm. Yesterday, and today. He slept for 49 hours. Why did he sleep so long? There is a good chance the doctors had drugged him more than he was aware. Perhaps his body didn’t react as anticipated to the clinical testing he had endured two days prior. Those are indeed possibilities.

CHEF: What are those?

CHARLIE: (chewing) Sorry, CHEF. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday.

CHEF: Yesterday! Where were you yesterday?

CHARLIE: I told you I had that appointment last night.

CHEF: I’m talking about last night.

CHARLIE: Yeah. Last night,

CHEF: You mean you requested off two days in a row?

SFX: slaps calendar

CHARLIE: No. Just… wait.

SFX: wristwatch beep

CHARLIE: (disbelief) No.

NARRATOR: CHARLIE finally realized his entire day before was spent sleeping. Passed out may be a more apt term for that state of being.

CHARLIE: You have to know I had no idea!

CHEF: Are you on drugs?

CHARLIE: Drugs? No? No. No! No I am not on drugs!

CHEF: You know the two excuses I’ll accept for you not coming in to work, and it seems you fulfilled neither of them.

BOTH in UNISON: Dead, or in jail.

CHEF: Dead or in Jail. Right. You’re lucky. If Bobby hadn’t called in from actual jail, I would fire you right now. I could have you replaced inside of a week. But since Bobby isn’t here, I need someone on grill. And since that means I have to bump RICH ove r to grill and you’ll take salad-

CHARL IE: Not salad with-

BOTH in UNISON: CHEEKY.

CHEF: You’re obviously on drugs, and I can’t have you working grill right now. Not like… (gesturing at him) this, I can’t.

CHARLIE: I’m not “like” anything. CHEEKY will absolutely go through half my product before the end of the night, and you KNOW he doesn’t replace my mise.

CHEF: You’re fine to work grill tonight?

CHARLIE: Better than CHEEKY will do in a thousand of my lifetimes.

CHEF: When I ask you for the sauce on side ONE time, I am moving you to salad.

SFX: Kitchen environment.

AMBIENT: “Pass me SOS on the fly! Table 14” “How long on that mid rare for table 19?” “45 seconds, chef” “Pickup table 19!” “Pickup table 19, heard!” “This is table 3, yeah? Yeah? Take this plate. Runner! Table 3” “I need an anniversary dessert plate” “Yes, chef!”

NARRATOR: For language’s sake, we cannot stay in this kitchen without censoring an excessive amount of the dialogue. So, we’ll have to skip around… a bit.

CHEF: Dessert plate table 47. Where is it? (pause) CHARLIE! Can you show CHEEKY how to make an anniversary plate?

CHARLIE: (annoyed) Dessert plate with CHEEKY, heard. Okay. Have you done one of these before? Just fan the strawberry. (sigh) Please tell me you know how to fan a strawberry. Where’d you even go to school?

CHEEKY: LCB?

CHARLIE: Have you gotten your refund yet, “chef?” Slice it without getting to the-

SFX: levitation magic sound

CHEEKY: (surprised) How’d you do that?

CHARLIE: (surprised) How DID I do that?!

CHEEKY: (whispered excitement) Do it again.

NARRATOR: CHARLIE and CHEEKY both watched with astonishment, that CHARLIE could telepathically move the strawberry. His newfound magic placed the strawberry on the cutting board. CHARLIE then tried to move the knife to cut said strawberry. No such luck was had.

CHARLIE: I’m trying to cut it, but the knife won’t move.

CHEEKY: Try letting go of the strawberry.

CHARLIE: Still nothing.

CHEEKY: Try… throwing the strawberry at the blueberries.

SFX: strawberry thrown into blueberries

BOTH: (whispered excitement) Whoa

CHEF: Where’s my anniversary plate, chefs?

CHARLIE: CHEEKY’s mise was all fubar, chef.

CHEEKY: What the fu-

NARRATOR: Again, for posterity’s sake, we must avoid the kitchen at all cost. CHARLIE had indeed found his telepathic ability to move a berry with nothing more than his mind. But so far, nothing more than that lone strawberry. Every opportunity he had, he tried to move something else telepathically, but succeeded no more. After his shift, CHARLIE had arrived at his home, amazed, and disappointed at 2am.

SFX: Keys tossed on surface. TV turned on.

NARRATOR: He remembered his first try was on a strawberry, so he tried again. Could he replicate the action?

CHARLIE: Yes!

NARRATOR: He could. Another strawberry moved. Levitated.

NEWS ANCHOR: The Super Team is at it again, fighting FLASH MCGEE who was trying to burglarize the Louvre in Paris, France late last night. But first, let’s go to the weather.

WEATHER: The highs this weekend will be in the mid 80s.

NARRATOR: I guess we don’t have to watch this either. Let’s get another day… Oh. Let’s just use this one. The next day, in the parking lot of the restaurant where he worked.

SFX: video tape inserted into VCR

CHARLIE: CHEEKY! I figured out how to cut berries without using a knife too!

CHEEKY: Nice, bro! What else?

CHARLIE: So, can’t move raspberries or blueberries, but now I can telepath avocados, cucumbers, and bananas.

CHEEKY: You can do vegetables now, too?

CHARLIE: Yeah! Isn’t that dope? I went to WALLY WORLD, and in the produce aisle, I just went nuts. Kinda like the guy in aisle 3. Moving stuff everywhere.

CHEEKY: Nice! You should work salad station now.

CHARLIE: I’m going to take one of the cucumbers and shove it in your-

NARRATOR: They really do have foul language. Moving along.

CHEEKY: You should join the Super Team, and be a superhero!

CHARLIE: How the-

SFX: Tape stops

NARRATOR: Their language really does get better later.

SFX: Tape starts

CHARLIE: - didn’t I think of that?! I should be a superhero with the Super Team. What would I be called though?

CHEEKY: Fruits and Veggies Man.

CHARLIE: That makes me sound like I’m trying to push nutrition or some shi-

NARRATOR: So, yeah. They talked about it under hushed tones throughout the night. It was a secret, just between them. They couldn’t risk CHARLIE getting sought after by some super villain. Right now, FLASH MCGEE is the current hot villain. Then they die, or get put into Hempton Asylum, and then the new bad guy is right around the corner who apparently waited to be the only target of the Super Team. (more casually, going into conspiracy territory) Almost like they had death wishes, and used the death-by-superhero method, being the only villain doing his misdeeds at a time. Oh. And, have you noticed that any time anyone is released from Hempton Asylum, they become a supervillain? Maybe the doctors are-

SFX: Door opens

NAR 2: Are you really talking about your superhero, supervillain conspiracy again? Can you just report the situation known to be the facts? Thank you.

SFX: Door closes

NARRATOR: (embarrassed) That’s my boss. Okay. So, CHARLIE finally worked up the courage to contact the Super Team in Hempton.

SECRETARY: (on phone) Super Team, this is Beverly. How can I direct your call?

CHARLIE: I’d like to speak with the Super Team?

SECRETARY: Alright. I will transfer you to Super Team Public Relations.

CHARLIE: Can’t you just put me on the phone with Radioactive Pigeon, or TIME MAGE ?

SECRETARY: I’m sorry. There are many individuals who would like to speak with the Super Team. Unfortunately, TIME MAGE isn’t able to make enough time for the Super Team to accommodate all individuals privately. Would you like to hold for Public Relations?

CHARLIE: I want to talk to the Super Team though. I- I have a super power!

SECRETARY: (rolling eyes) Oh, I see. Hold for PR.

SFX: boring ringback tone

PR SECRETARY: Super Team PR, TRAVIS for you.

CHARLIE: I have a super power. I need to talk to the Super Team.

PR SEC: Oh. (bored) I see. What can you do?

CHARLIE: I can move frui- telepath. I can telepath. I… am… a telepath!

PR SEC: Do you have any evidence of this having occurred, sir?

CHARLIE: No. But, I can show the Super Team.

PR SEC: (massaging bridge of nose) Sir… We can’t just give the Super Team as an audience to everybody’s private talent shows. If you would like us to take into consideration your “superpower,” you would have to send us a link to proof of your ability. Do you think Radioactive Pigeon got put on the Super Team without proper vetting? Aren’t you a little old to be getting into the superhero business, anyway?

CHARLIE: And then what?

PR SEC: “And then what” what?

CHARLIE: And then what happens, once you watch the YouVideo?

PR SEC: Once the video has been viewed, we determine the validity of the claim, from what is visible. Then, we have three members who see the ability, and then we would get one of the Super Members to permit an audience with the others.

CHARLIE: You have to have 3 people to verify my superpower of telepathy, and then you’ll see if I’m special enough for the Super Team to even know I exist?

PR SEC: That is correct.

CHARLIE: Fewer Vatican members are needed to verify a miracle.

PR SEC: Our point precisely.

NARRATOR: After some more rigamarole with the Public Relations department of the Super Team, and making a video, and showing some auditors his power of telepathically moving fruits and berries- by the way, he can now move fruits around too, not just berries. For the record, the avocado and cucumbers are botanically berries, not vegetables. As his telepathic muscles were exercised, he found himself able to pick up more and more fruits. Not vegetables, mind you. Decidedly no vegetables.

CHARLIE: I understand.

SFX: phone hangs up

CHARLIE: I got a 1 o’clock appointment on the 27th next month! Yes!

NARRATOR: He said this to his mother, who we couldn’t afford to have on this audio drama, so WE- as in the producer- decided I’d say her lines for her. But, I’m just going to tell you what she said. She said that was exciting. Except more excitedly. I don’t know why we don’t just get Meryl Streep to just leave us a voicemail to give to the audio editors. They’d clean it up, make it sound like she ACTUALLY said it like a typical voice talent-

SFX: door opens

NAR 2: Can we have less editorializing, and get back to what happened?!

NARRATOR: Sorry!

SFX: door closes

NARRATOR: (to themself in the mic) Just spend a little more on voice actors, then you wouldn’t have to have me do Meryl’s lines for her. (begrudgingly) CHARLIE’s mother was delighted- You know what? I’ll do the impression of the mom. She said “Oh, I’m so delighted!” CHARLIE’s mother said when she heard that CHARLIE, her middle-aged son had an appointment to see if he could work as an intern for a destructive, legally irresponsible gang of people who assault others for doing stuff that physically harmed no one else. Like this FLASH MCGEE. He (clears throat. Starts talking in hushed tone, becoming more whispering excited) FLASH MCGEE stole art. Famous art. And on a couple occasions, he got assaulted. Fortunately, when TIME MAGE goes to do something like punch a guy, he’d either kill the person, or he’d have to stand in a location for the equivalence of an hour’s worth of time, to ensure he wasn’t crippling- or worse- the other guy. But Impotence Man holds nothing back! He gets- (realizes they’re not whispering anymore) He gets incredibly aggressive, and beats the… garbage out of them.

NAR 2: (yelling) Out! Get out!

SFX: Headset drops on surface. Quick mouse clicks. Door closes. Silence.

NAR 3: CHARLIE’s mother was delighted. On the 27th of the following month, CHARLIE was finally in front of the Super Team’s panel.

SCENE: In gymnasium. Add reverb

CHARLIE: (nervous) Hi. I’m CHARLIE, and I am going to show you my superpower. I can telepathically divine- devine- divinate- I can move objects. As I’m sure you’re aware of the bureaucracy and red tape of your ivory towers, I had to have several tests to prove the legitimacy of my claims. So, I stand before you to show you my telepathic abilities, that have been proven true!

SFX: magical telepathy noise. Fruit. Object crashes into wall.

NAR 3: He used fruits in his act, as well as being a little less than forthright, hiding fruits inside of objects, so the objects would levitate. But, it definitely did iterate the strength of his abilities, however dishonest.

CHARLIE: Thank you. Any questions? This… is normally when I would get applause… (disheartened) Any questions?

BIRD GAL: Uh. No. I think we’re good. Team?

TIME MAGE: Nope. Give us a minute, would you?

TEAM: Whispers

NERDMAN: Okay, CHARLIE, you should meet with the understudies. They’ll give you a tour of the “ivory towers.”

CHARLIE: (embarrassed) Sorry… about that. Wait. Understudies?

TIME MAGE: Were you under the impression that you’d be sitting at this panel as soon as you showed us your magic?

NERDMAN: No. You stick with the understudies for now. Our PR group will figure out how to create your image.

CHARLIE: I’ve kind of already been making an image for myself as… FruitTasticMan.

SUPERHERO #2: Oh. That’s a… choice.

BIRD GAL: Is that a reference to-

TIME MAGE: We can’t! (whispers, indignant) We can’t ask that in an interview.

NAR #3: Perhaps their language IS on the coarse side?

NARRATOR: (muffled, in another room) Tag me in, cap! They’re awful at this! I’ll stop editorializing. I promise.

NAR #3: (unsure) We’ll continue. Action is right around the corner, we promise.

SFX: alarm going off

NARRATOR: A few weeks later, the alarms went off at Super Team HQ.

SFX: running approaches

NERDMAN: Hey hey hey! TIME MAGE. Let’s take one of them!

TIME MAGE: Fine. Okay um… Put your feet in. Eenie meenie miney moe. Catch a (under breath) tiger by the toe. If it hollers let him go. Eenie meenie money moe. (quiet long inhale) My mommy-

NERDMAN: -Come on, FruitTasticMan. You’re in. Grab your suit.

MUSIC: Intensifies

SFX: Helicopter interior

TIME MAGE: (yelling over rotors) Can you fly, or can you do anything you forgot to tell us?

CHARLIE: (over rotors) Nope! I can only telepath fruit!

TIME MAGE: I’m sorry. What???

CHARLIE: (still yelling) Yeah. See, umm… I can only telepath fruit!

TIME MAGE: BIRD GAL! Did you- did you know that- what’s your name, pops?

CHARLIE: FruitTasticMan!

TIME MAGE: Did you know that- really? FruitTasticMan?

CHARLIE: Yeah?

TIME MAGE: Dear god. It just gets worse. (to #1) Did you know that FruitTasticMan- Boomer, I’m not calling you that! What’s your real name?

CHARLIE: CHARLIE.

BIRD GAL: (irritated) What?!

TIME MAGE: Did you know that CHARLIE can only move fruit?!

NERDMAN: This is a family-friendly show! We can’t say stuff like that.

BIRD GAL: No. Like, actual fruit. He can only move fruit.

CHARLIE: (still over rotors) I’m a telepath!

SUPERHERO #2: You can telepath FRUIT though!

CHARLIE: Yeah! But, it’s really effective! Fruit’s in like, everything. You don’t think about it, until you do!

BIRD GAL: But fruits are the mushiest of all produce.

CHARLIE: It’s a thinker for sure, but I’ll show you. Just give me a chance, and get me within 20 feet of the perp.

BIRD GAL: Can’t you fly or nothin’?

SUPERHERO #2: We just went over this already.

NARRATOR: (original) They had indeed, already talked about this already. The helicopter ride was over 40 minutes long, and our time on the program is running short, and we promised you action. So, long story short, they landed on the bank rooftop.

SFX: Helicopter takes off and flies away. Distant/muffled sirens in background.

BIRD GAL: How close do we have to get to the villain for you to work your magic?

CHARLIE: 20 feet. Or 6.1 metres for our non-American listeners. But if it’s inside of something, the thickness of the material will determine how close I have to be. Like a sheet of aluminum foil, I can be still about 20 feet. But, an inch of iron, I have to be touching the surface, to- (waving off) you know what? It’s all scientific and mathematical. Different materials like pine and maple will have different densities, and aren’t we trying to stop a bank robbery?

SUPERHERO #2: You guys coming??? Door’s this way!

TIME MAGE: This is ridiculous. You’re not a superhero.

CHARLIE: Neither is NerdMan!

NERDMAN: How dare you!

CHARLIE: Face it, NerdMan! You’re a wizard at filing taxes to get the best returns, and you do the paystubs for over 300 employees. At least I can move stuff without touching it. The Super Team corporation realized you were too expensive to be paid the wages you were worth, so they “promoted you” to a unpaid internship position as comic book hero understudy. Didn’t you notice your-

TIME MAGE: We’re wasting time! Let’s go!

CHARLIE: Now you’re worried about time, TIME MAGE?

SFX: Running down stairs

BIRD GAL: (whispering) On 3, we go in. Let’s get FruitTasticMan within 20 feet of the bad guy. 1… 2…

CHARLIE: (whispers quickly) And close to fruit.

BIRD GAL: Whaaa?

SFX: Door bursts open, interrupting #1

FLASH MCGEE: Don’t come close, fellas! I have explosives hidden throughout the building. (menacingly) Another step might be your last. Only I know where they’re planted.

BIRD GAL: NerdMan. Calculate where the mines are placed.

NERDMAN: That’s not my thing. That was never my thing. Give me access to a computer, and I’ll make sure any funds he tries to transfer are interrupted. Minesweeper’s a game I played in the ‘90s- not in real life. Oh, and if I’m not a superhero, then neither was Squawk Eye with his crossbow.

UNISON CHARLIE and TIME MAGE: He wasn’t.

CHARLIE: THANK YOU! See?

NARRATOR: Can we get to the often-promised action that we’ve been promising our listeners, please?

BIRD GAL: Fine! SUPERHERO #2, do something.

SUPERHERO #2: Yeah yeah. I’m going to use my lasers that incapacitate mines, that I shoot out of my eyes. I’m telling you, since the lasers don’t shoot out my eyes like fire, but more like the lasers you-

NARRATOR: Will you get on with it!

SFX: Short laser blip sounds

TIME MAGE: Finally. FLASH MCGEE! We’re not going to let you get away with robbing these fine citizens of their money!

FLASH MCGEE: It’s a member of FDIC. These citizens won’t… Wait. When do you think we are, TIME MAGE? We’re in the 21st century. Not in George Bailey’s run-on-the-bank era.

SUPERHERO #2: Okay. We’re all adults here. No amount of philosophising and “trying to understand each other” will solve any problems. This is a fight that can only be solved by… brute physical force. Shall we?

FLASH MCGEE: Oh, sure, sure.

SFX: Fighting. Impacts. Punches. Breaking vases. Etc.

RANDO: Bang! Crash! Pow! Blam! Zonk! Whack! Sock!

ALL: vocals from impacts

BIRD GAL: (intense, winded) Now, let’s let FruitTasticMan… Can we drop the “man” part? To like FruitTastic? Nope. I hear it now. Definitely sounds like a cereal.

SUPERHERO #2: Or gum or something.

NERDMAN: Oooh. Yeah! Gum.

CHARLIE: Shut up, four eyes.

SFX: Record scratch. Silence.

CHARLIE: Whoa! Whoa. (nervous defensive laugh) I think things just got a little too intense. Blood’s all pumping. Hormones flaring.

SUPERHERO #2: “Hormones flaring?”

BIRD GAL: Can we just! move! On! NerdMan. Stop any outbound funds! The rest of you, let’s get FruitTasticMan to FLASH MCGEE.

CHARLIE: And close to fruit.

BIRD GAL: Close to fruit?

CHARLIE: Is there an echo in here? [awkward silence] Yeah. Get me some fruit, and I’ll hock them over to him. But, like really fast.

BIRD GAL: I can’t tell if you’re being serious.

CHARLIE: As a heart attack. You know, ever since I learned how to move fruits telepathically, I’ve taken a vested interest in health. I’m drinking smoothies all the time. The secret’s the smallest teaspoon of honey. Cuts the tartness-

BIRD GAL: Would you can it! I’m trying to think.

CHARLIE: Of what? Maybe I can help. I may be old, but I’m a quick thinker.

BIRD GAL: Of how you got admitted into the Team.

CHARLIE: (shrugging) Well, you do have NerdMan.

NERDMAN: Heyyy!

NARRATOR: After much deliberation, the team concocted a plan to lure FLASH MCGEE to the breakroom, and hopefully there would be fruit in there.

SUPERHERO #2: (whispering loudly to patron) Where’s your breakroom? (pause) Thanks! Okay guys, let’s do this.

SFX: speeding around room as he taunts. Papers periodically fall to floor.

TIME MAGE: (taunting) Hey hey hey! I’m over here (pause) now I’m over here! (pause) Now I’m here! Catch!

CHARLIE: This reminds me. Do you think you have less… boring taunts you could use?

SUPERHERO #2: Yes, THANK you.

CHARLIE: See? We’re on the same wavelength.

SUPERHERO #2: Keep dreaming, FruitTasticMan.

TIME MAGE: It’s my signature.

CHARLIE: (raised eyebrow) If you think that boring taunts are your signature-

TIME MAGE: Show us what YOU have, Mr FruitTastic. We started him off for you.

CHARLIE: Okay.

SFX: Rubs hands together. Magical telepathy sound. Metal rattles. Pause. Muffled splat of grapes or something inside locker.

BIRD GAL: For the love of-

CHARLIE: I got this!

SFX: telepath. refrigerator shakes. Slams into wall.

NERDMAN: (in other room) What’s that noise in there!

CHARLIE: I just need to work on my aim is all. I got this.

SFX: telepath. Metal door swings open. Mango hits FLASH’s head.

CHARLIE: (excited yelling) Homerun! Waddaya say, boys!

FLASH MCGEE: Grunt

SFX: Struggles to stand.

BIRD GAL: Who brings a whole mango to work?

SUPERHERO #2: What else you got, Mr FruitTastic?

BIRD GAL: The more I hear it, the more I like it. Let’s talk to PR. (back to CHARLIE) Give him your best shot. Oh! Wait. Let me get my phone! “Mr FruitTastic’s first perp.”

SFX: Loud squirt. Phone camera snaps photo.

All: Disgusted exclamations! Dry heaving

CHARLIE: (defensive yelling) I wasn’t even aiming for him! How was I supposed to know he ate fruit! I was going for another locker! Oh man. (disgusted) Looks like he had apple pie.

NERDMAN: CHARLIE’s not even insured! HR is going to be ticked!

BIRD GAL: Who’s CHARLIE?

CHARLIE: (trying to keep lunch down) That’d be me. Nice to meet you.

NERDMAN: (thoughtfully) We could… Noooo.

BIRD GAL: We could what?

NERDMAN: We could change his paperwork to him having been hired yesterday, post-date it, so he would have been insured this morning.

BIRD GAL: Let’s do it.

SFX: background shuffling.

RANDO: (from other room) Can we get off the ground now?

NERDMAN: (mockingly remembering) But right! Ohhhh. It wouldn’t work, see… You’d need someone who was a notary public, licensed by the state. Wherever would we find one at this time of day?

TIME MAGE: Aren’t… you a notary?

NERDMAN: Oh YEAHHhhhh. Make a deal with you: You make me a full-fledged member, and I’ll just put my name right on that paperwork.

CHARLIE: So? (excited) I’m hired?!

NARRATOR: And there you have it: The reason the 11th District Court of Hempton is determining the legitimacy of Super Team incorporated and FruitTasticMan V Hempton City Private Investigations LLC. You know what? I do quit.

THE END