HAYDN: Maximilian Koger
BILLIE: Davi Crimmins
BOSS: Nathan Woltering
RANDO #1: Derrick Valen
RANDO #2: John Badger
DEMO: Audio of Haydn Baluster’s acting moments
TMZ: (tv personality) I know, I know. You can’t go five minutes without hearing about Haydn, but we have some exciting new news, but we have to clear the air. What we knew up to this point, is that Haydn Baluster has been blacklisted by Hollywood earlier this week, with no apparent end in sight. The legal proceedings lost him everything. His secluded home in Malibu, the apartment in New York, and his Hollywood mansion. He was already struggling financially before his divorce and her allegations of fraud involving his private airlines. From having a net worth of $22 million to the FBI freezing all his assets.
TMZ: (cont’d) We told you there was going to be a new update. We spoke with Baluster’s former publicist, and we have a recording of our conversation with Julie Logan.
INTERVIEWER: (recording) What’s your name, and how did you know Haydn?
JULIE: (recording) I’m Jules- or Julie Logan. I was Haydn Baluster’s publicist. My clients know me as Jules.
INTERVIEWER: (recording) You said something we found disturbing earlier. What did you say, again, for the recording?
JULIE: (recording) Haydn, ever since he was charged with fraud, has become emotionally irate, and destructive to physical property and people.
INTERVIEWER: (recording) Would you consider him to be emotionally unstable?
JULIE: (recording) Absolutely. Unhinged, truly.
TMZ: Truly shocking news. I would have never expected Haydn Baluster to be considered emotionally unstable. Of all the actors we have interviewed, Haydn Baluster was among some of the best company I have ever had the honor of meeting with. Even with our Star Consultants, he was nothing more than upstanding. (speaking to Haydn through tv) But today, Haydn Baluster: Hollywood is done with you, and we are done with you.
SFX: Tv turned off
HAYDN: (irritated) Stupid people. Stupid TMZ. Stupid Hollywood.
SCENE: Lost Faith
SFX: Walking city sidewalks
RANDO 1: Oh hey! It’s Haydn Baluster! Hey Haydn! Haydn! Nothing? Screw you man! No wonder you’re homeless! Screw him.
RANDO 2: Yeah! Screw you, Haydn!
HAYDN: No. (approaching them) No. You know what? I’m above all of this. I had everything. You? You’re nobodys. You only recognize me on the street because you know me. So, screw yourselves!
RANDO 2: Yeah, I don’t think so. I didn’t lose everything.
HAYDN: I’m still richer than you’ll ever be. You trailer-living hicks.
RANDO 1: No wonder your wife left you. Jerk. Let’s go.
SFX: Phone rings
HAYDN: Jocelyn! You’re still talking to me!
RECEPTION: Mister Haydn. Jocelyn asked me to let you know your last check was ready to be sent, but we needed an address to send it to.
HAYDN: Just send it to the Postmaster General in Millsboro, Delaware. I’ll pick it up. Is Jocelyn there? I need to talk to her.
RECEPTION: She’s not available, mister Haydn. I’m sorry.
HAYDN: I can wait.
RECEPTION: (apologetic, wincing) I’m sorry. I’ll have the check sent right away. Goodbye, mister Haydn.
SFX: Reception hangs up on Haydn.
HAYDN: (to himself, angry/sarcastic) Wonderful. Wonderful.
SFX: TV on. Knock on door. Volume turned down.
BILLIE: (behind door) Haydn. It’s Billie.
SFX: Door unlocked. Door opens to length of chain.
HAYDN: Billie. What are you doing here?
BILLIE: Currently standing on the opposite side of your door. Can you let me in, before anyone else sees that I’m here?
HAYDN: I doubt even I’d recognize you in that crappy hoodie. Fine. Let me open the door.
SFX: Door closes. Chain unlocked. Door opens, and closes.
BILLIE: So… new place, huh?
HAYDN: The housing market’s not great right now. Just needed somewhere to spend some time.
BILLIE: You know… I used to have an apartment like this before TBS picked me up.
HAYDN: Aren’t you supposed to be on set in Atlanta?
BILLIE: We actually wrapped up a day early.
HAYDN: What are you doing here?
BILLIE: You won’t get me a drink or anything? Just going straight for it, huh? Is Stranger Things all that exciting?
HAYDN: I haven’t seen it.
BILLIE: I stopped after the third season. Or maybe it was the end of the second season. Whichever the one with Sean Astin was in. He told me I should watch it. It was just never my scene, the thriller genre.
HAYDN: (disinterested) Why are you here, Billie?
BILLIE: I know your situation isn’t the best right now.
HAYDN: (duh) You think?
BILLIE: Yes. But, I don’t think you’re going to be blackballed for all that long.
HAYDN: What makes you assume that?
BILLIE: Look at Marky Mark: His murder was all but forgotten. Broderick’s double manslaughter was also swept under the rug. Your best bet is to lay low. Here is good. Keep your head down for now, and everyone will forget the whole fraud thing happened.
HAYDN: Yeah. I bet if you turned on TMZ, all you’d see would be my face for the next 4 months.
BILLIE: You overestimate peoples’ memories. People don’t remember Tim Allen’s drug trafficking. You’re the talk of the town now, and then people will forget all about it.
HAYDN: And me.
BILLIE: When you appear on the big screen again, people will be just so glad to have you back, nobody will remember why you left Hollywood for the short stint. Everything’s about you until it isn’t. And, then it is again. Just get back in everyone’s good graces, and you’ll be living on Stone Canyon again in no time. Time heals all wounds.
HAYDN: Sure. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Finding a job will be literally impossible, but I only have access to 175 in the bank.
BILLIE: That’s a tough one. At least those others still had money.
HAYDN: Mind loaning me a mil?
BILLIE: Yes I mind.
HAYDN: You seem to be so sure that I’ll be right back on track in a couple years.
BILLIE: I believe in you to get back on your feet, Haydn; but you’re no Lannister.
BILLIE: -Yeah. Game of Thrones. “A Lannister always pays his debts.”
HAYDN: You… You want a drink or something?
BILLIE: Nothing alcoholic. Two years sober. Remember?
HAYDN: Oh yeah. I totally forgot about that.
BILLE: Time. Heals all wounds. Well, in the public eye, anyway. Give the public some time, and they’ll come around. You get some rest, okay?
HAYDN: Rest. I get way too much as it is. I need to act.
BILLIE: I feel you, Haydn. I have to go before the paparazzi finds out I’m here.
HAYDN: Not in Delaware.
BILLIE: Yeah. (bummed. Sigh) This state sucks. I’ll see you later.
HAYDN: Goodnight Billie. Oh. And (thoughtful pause) thanks for stopping by.
SCENE: Job Interviews
BOSS: Honestly, I don’t know why you even bothered to bring a resume. Everyone has access to your IMDB.
HAYDN: Yeah. I guess that’s true.
BOSS: Look, I know I’m not particularly familiar with the film industry, but… (hesitantly) You’ve worked for so many companies in the last two years alone.
HAYDN: That’s because each company is affiliated with the project. (noticing confusion) You see, each time a movie is being made, they have to make a company. Like, even though Knights of the Nights was owned by Paramount, Knights of the Night film LLC was the company that produced it. So, my resume looks a bit full, but that’s a sign of success. Not failure.
BOSS: I still can’t get over the fact that Haydn Baluster is in my office, looking for a job from me. You know, you could be exactly what this company needs, bringing in the customers we lost when IKEA moved in down the street. I mean, IKEA doesn’t have a Haydn.
HAYDN: To clarify; I wouldn’t be here as some type of stunt, or to draw in more customers. I’m just wanting to get a job until things clear back up in LA.
BOSS: Yeah, yeah. Sure. But, we’re not going to treat you special.
HAYDN: I wouldn’t want you to.
SCENE: Work Sucks
HAYDN: (to customers walking in) Hey folks! Do you two know exactly what kind of furniture you’re looking for, or are you just looking around?
RANDO #2: Oh no.
HAYDN: (realizing their last exchange in previous scene was bad) Right. Hey, we can forget the whole exchange we had.
RANDO #2: So the guy who’s richer than we trailer living hicks will ever be, had to get a job as a furniture sales guy.
HAYDN: Look, I’ve had a very difficult time lately. That was a bad day. If you’d rather work with someone else, I’m happy to find you someone else.
RANDO 1: I don’t think whoever bought tickets on your airlines were too happy. How- how did you even get a job selling anything? You’re not qualified to sell ice. What, did the sleazy car dealerships not hire you?
HAYDN: I’ll tell you what… I’m just going to get you someone else.
SCENE: Change of Scenery
BOSS: Hey, Haydn?
BOSS: I can’t have you on the floor anymore.
HAYDN: (resigned) Yeah. That makes sense.
BOSS: Yeah. I still want to keep you. We’re about to film a commercial, and we discussed it at Corporate, and they would love to have you be our location’s spokesperson.
HAYDN: Finally. A role I’ll be great at.
BOSS: Exactly what we were thinking. I assume you’re in, then?
HAYDN: Yeah. Absolutely. You got it.
SCENE: The Commercial
HAYDN: I’m not wearing that.
BOSS: You’re wearing it. Unless you suddenly learned how to sell furniture… yeah, that’s what I thought. Look, we were ready to do a whole animated thing but I told marketing I have Haydn Baluster working in my store.
HAYDN: Ah, well that’s understandable. It really is quite the opportunity.
BOSS: No, they didn’t want anything to do with you. Plus, they didn’t want to rewrite the script. So I came up with a solution where everybody wins. Same script. Same character. Now put on the costume and do the thing!
HAYDN: (into mic, without conviction) Hey folks. I’m Gary the Potato, and I’ve been to a lot of furniture stores, but you know what? Of all my favorite couches, the couches at Charlie’s Furniture are my absolute favorite. Like this armoire for five ninety nine, or this loveseat at only two ninety nine. No matter what couch you’re looking for, put your seat into our couches, and you’ll fall in love instantly. Or, I’m not Gary the Couch Potato.
BOSS: (unimpressed) I heard the commercial.
HAYDN: Excellent. Glad I could be of help.
BOSS: No. We’re going back to the animated thing.
HAYDN: Alright. Well, I get it. I didn’t want to say anything but the costume was terrible. The writing… I mean, Gary the Couch Potato?
BOSS: No, you don’t understand. The problem with the commercial is one Haydn Baluster.
HAYDN: …I see. Right. Because of the whole disgraced actor thing.
BOSS: That’s not it. Marketing thought it was ‘Progressive’ of me to give you a second chance. Might boost our image with the millennial crowd. Especially with young first-time home buyers. No, the problem is your acting: You’re terrible.
HAYDN: WHAT?! No. (laughing at how absurd that is) No, I’m a professional actor. Like, a famous one. No. Come on, ‘Gary the Potato’ is ridiculous. No actor could do anything with that. (starting to rant) The lighting was awful and your boom mic operator kept bumping the costume. Also, he’s a COUCH potato and the first thing he pushes is an ARMOIRE! So… no. I’m not the problem here.
BOSS: I don’t know what to tell you. Your heart wasn’t in it. Listen, I’ve invested over a quarter of a century into this business. You may think the potato is a joke, but it isn’t. That’s our brand. We’re making that stupid potato the avatar of our customers. It isn’t your Hollywood quality, but it’s good enough for Delaware. If you’d like to stay with the company- and believe me when I say I would like you to- I need you to take this more seriously. And, I’m taking you off the floor. The call center is short-staffed, and we need you to jump on the calls. I know how much you like being on the phone, so this should be perfect for you.
HAYDN: (wanting to argue) Boss. This is ridiculous. I can’t…
BOSS: (sternly) It’s either the call center, or find another place that’ll take you. What’ll it be?
SCENE: The Suggestion
SFX: Office phone rings
HAYDN: (bored) Charlie’s Furniture. May I ask who’s calling?
GAYLE: It’s Gayle. My fabric got stained, and I got the warranty?
HAYDN: Okay. What’s the name on file for the furniture?
GAYLE: Gayle Thomas.
HAYDN: Alrighty then, Gayle Thomas… (slowly becoming cartoonishly animated) I found your policy! I’m starting to file a claim, and I’m about to get that going for you, so your furniture becomes right as rain! Ooh! I love the diamond pattern on the sofa! (becoming serious for a second. Slowly explaining as he’s thinking) Alright. So, I’m adding that you got a stain on your sofa.
GAYLE: I’m sorry to interrupt.
HAYDN: That’s fine. What’s up?
GAYLE: Has anyone told you that you sound like that actor guy from that movie about the knights?
HAYDN: Knights of the Night?
GAYLE: That’s the one. I’m guessing you get it a lot?
HAYDN: From time to time.
GAYLE: What was his name again?
HAYDN: Haydn Baluster.
GAYLE: That’s the one. Nah. I guess I only hear it sometimes. Sorry to get us off topic. Have (thinking), Have you ever considered being a voice actor?
HAYDN: I don’t think I have the personality for that.
GAYLE: Sure you do! That bit you just did. It’s entertaining.
HAYDN: I say it a thousand times a day. Have to keep myself entertained.
GAYLE: I imagine. Anyway… How’s that claim coming along?
SCENE: Coffee with Billie
SFX: Coffee shop bustle
BILLIE: (mid-conversation) Now that the pleasantries are over.., How’s it going? Really?
HAYDN: Bad. Real bad.
BILLIE: What’s going on?
HAYDN: It’s just awful here. This apartment sucks, there’s nothing to do in this whole state and I got fired from my role as a PROMOTIONAL POTATO. So yeah. That’s what’s going on.
BILLIE: …ouch. What happened with the whole potato thing?
HAYDN: Creative differences. …You remember when we were in studio 23, filming Knights of the Night?
HAYDN: Why didn’t we ever pursue us?
BILLIE: Us? That ship sailed 10 years ago, Haydn.
HAYDN: I’m not trying to rekindle anything, Billie. I’m just… curious.
BILLIE: Why we never gave it a shot..?
BILLIE: Haydn. I don’t know what you’re looking for with this conversation. (changing her mind) No. You know what? This is probably good. Do you want the long version? Or, the short one?
HAYDN: Lay it on me.
BILLIE: It’s been a long time coming. (sincerely) Haydn. You are a fun person, and a great actor when you put your mind to it. Your performance in that old show… what was it called? (remembering) Kid’s Attic!
HAYDN: You watched that?! Oh god. I’m embarrassed.
BILLIE: No! You were cute. You were like what? 8?
HAYDN: (still embarrassed) 7. It was my first gig. My dad did some work getting me on that episode. The show title sounded like some child trafficking thing.
BILLIE: In hindsight, I’m sure the producers are glad they pulled the plug on that one, after the second season. Anyway… your performance on that was you giving it your everything. Sure you stumbled over yourself a couple times there, but your heart was in it. You know?
BILLIE: You start everything you do with gusto. You used to get excited, but you started phoning it in.
HAYDN: (pointing out the irony) You’d never guess what I’m doing now.
HAYDN: I work in the back room of a major furniture outlet, answering calls about faulty furniture, or to send links to- you know what? That doesn’t matter. What were you saying?
BILLIE: We made Knights of the Night, and you gave it everything you had. But these last couple years, I’d swear you were riding your own coattails.
HAYDN: But we did Knights of the Ni ght together 10 years ago. It sounds like that was our shot, huh?
BILLIE: Maybe? I don’t know, if it was we didn’t take it. Either way that moment is past. It’s gone.. Besides, after filming, I was never out and about. I was working on getting my next movie, or my next show. Your dad made sure you got every role you got, until your reputation preceded you. I didn’t have that. And, you were fun. But, not the kind of guy I could see myself walking down the red carpet with at the Oscars, much less the aisle.
HAYDN: I see.
BILLIE: I don’t think you do. You’re a talented actor, and a fun guy, but you’re kind of a jerk. Not everything is easy to everyone, and you ridicule people who don’t make their lines perfect the first time around.
HAYDN: I practice my lines before the shoot. Besides, if I’m such a jerk, why did you come to Delaware?
BILLIE: Because, Haydn… (short hesitation, big exasperated breath) I feel bad for you. Just because you’re a jerk, doesn’t mean I can’t like you. If anything, the blackballing was probably nothing shy of a wakeup call to you. The silver spoon you were born with has been pulled out of your mouth, and it’s good to become the help for once. I did it, and most everyone you’ll ever work with lived as a nobody. Granted, it may be easier to move up, than down. But, you played a bad hand, and it was time to pay the piper.
HAYDN: Your metaphors got lost.
BILLIE: But, to answer your question: we were never going to be together. Your efforts in your work is indicative of your relationships with the people in your life. When it’s good, it’s really good. But, when it’s bad, it’s really bad. Look at your history with all your girlfriends. You don’t have what I need in my life. Granted, I don’t need anyone, but When I meet a skinny man that has that wavy red hair, and can make me laugh, he might have a chance. But you? No.
HAYDN: Say it one more time, and I’ll believe you.
BILLIE: (matter-of-factly) I don’t have to. You know it to be true. (recalling earlier thought) Just curious… why Knights of the Night? Why was that the one we did that came to mind?
HAYDN: Some woman on the phone mentioned it. I’ve just been thinking about the good times.
BILLIE: Have you been telling people on the phone who you are?
HAYDN: No. Dear god, no. She just said I sounded like Haydn, and that I should go into voice acting.
BILLIE: Voice acting! What a great idea!
BILLIE: No what?
HAYDN: No, I will not do voice acting.
BILLIE: Why not?
HAYDN: Because I’m an actor- not some actor-wannabe.
BILLIE: Who do you think voices animated movie characters?
BILLIE: No-names like Hanks? Or the Rock? Or Chris Rock? Are those no-names? Plus, your face wouldn’t be associated with the characters, which would still get you doing what you were obviously born to do- acting-, get you paid, and remind the execs in LA that you exist.
HAYDN: I don’t have a manager anymore. Jocelyn dropped me.
BILLIE: (Pitying) Oh, sweetie. They won’t cast you any time soon. They blackballed you.
HAYDN: Then what are you talking about?
BILLIE: Getting your skills honed for voice acting.
HAYDN: Trust me, it doesn’t take that much.
BILLIE: You’d be surprised.
HAYDN: Hi. I’m here about one of the parts on the casting site for… (grossed out) voice actors.
DIRECTOR: Great! This project is going to be so incredible. We’ll put it on Youtube, and Twitter and…
HAYDN: Alright, so you need someone to voice-
DIRECTOR: …or we could make it a podcast thing. Like audio drama but with more magic sword fights and…
HAYDN: So like, how many characters are in this thing
DIRECTOR: …of course the whole thing is in space but they don’t KNOW that it’s space because they’re from a planet that doesn’t believe in space until…
DIRECTOR: …Isn’t that incredible!?
HAYDN: (nonplussed) Did you get my audition or not.
DIRECTOR: I did. I just sent you a message in the server.
HAYDN: Ok. It’s just a link.
DIRECTOR: To the voice claim. That’s what the character should sound like. Your voice is close but not quite.
HAYDN: So… what should I be doing different?
DIRECTOR: It’s a voice claim. So… sound more like him.
HAYDN: I can’t just completely change the sound… wait it’s Haydn Baluster? The voice you’re looking for is Haydn Baluster?
DIRECTOR: Of course! His voice is just exactly right for this. Like I said, you’re close. Just make it a bit more… Haydn.
HAYDN: So. You want this character to sound like Haydn Baluster.
HAYDN: And my voice is CLOSE?
HAYDN: I… (sighs) do I have the part?
DIRECTOR: You do!
HAYDN: What? Really? Just like that.
DIRECTOR: Is that a surprise? Your audition was WAY better than the other one we got.
HAYDN: The other ONE audition? You know what… I’ll take it.
DIRECTOR: Amazing. I really think we’re doing something extraordinary here.
HAYDN: What can I say? That’s the enthusiasm that won me over.
DIRECTOR: Well, I’m sure you’ll be great. Just… you know… listen to that clip of Haydn and do your best.
HAYDN: Sure. Can do.
BILLIE: How’s the voice acting going?
HAYDN: It’s alright. Not much money in it but you’ve gotta check out some of these casting sites… there’s no shortage of opportunity.
BILLIE: Is that so? The great Haydn Baluster is responding to casting calls these days?
HAYDN: Some of them. I need the money, alright?
BILLIE: You just said there isn’t much money to be made.
HAYDN: Look, I’ll take what I can get. Plus… I guess SOME of these projects don’t seem awful… a few.
BILLIE: Mind if I take a look?
HAYDN: I guess not. (Joking but a little defensive) Don’t go trying to audition against me, though.
BILLIE: Is there something I might be interested in?
HAYDN: No! No, it’s just… (joking) well I’d hate for you to be heartbroken when you lose to me, is all.
BILLIE: (sarcastic/playful) Ha ha, very funny. Come on, let me see what you’re working on!
HAYDN: Fine but don’t judge me.
BILLIE: I won’t! (she’s reviewing the projects he’s got saved) Hm… who is casting for these… just… anybody?
HAYDN: Listen, I know you’re looking at that Gacha Club… thing. I only bookmarked it because the character seemed solid. I know it’s a kids media but there’s some real meat in that part.
BILLIE: (laughing) Alright! (making fun) Wow, ok… this one is NSFW… HAYDN BALUSTER… are you making naughty recordings?
HAYDN: Wha… there’s not…
BILLIE: I’m kidding! Lighten up! Oh, OH! This one is Minecraft! Video game voice over isn’t bad work at all. It could definitely pay a few bills maybe open some doors for you…
HAYDN: (quietly, a bit embarrassed) That’s not for the game it’s… fans make movies using the game and… it’s that.
BILLIE: Oh… I see. Well, what does THAT pay?
BILLIE: (quietly appraising) Hm.
HAYDN: What? I said don’t judge me! You know what my situation is like right now!
BILLIE: It’s not that it’s just… it’s nice to see you acting in something just because you want to. Makes me think maybe you’ll be alright.
HAYDN: Oh? So you were worried about me?
BILLIE: (teasing maybe?) No. (Now serious) I’m just realizing all at once that I should have been worried about you. And that I don’t need to anymore. It’s nice to know.
HAYDN: Well, thanks? Thanks. But it’s not like I’m passionate about some weird kid’s silly movie. It’s just good practice. Gotta keep the rust off, you know?
BILLIE: Sure Haydn. Whatever you’re up to, give it an honest shot alright? Keep going.
HAYDN: Sure. (Typing/scrolling to himself) Ha! A fan project for Knights of the Night. How hard would this kid FLIP if I auditioned… let’s see… (reading the audition line) ‘Leave it to me, Nate Night: honorary Knight of the Night BUT EVEN BETTER than the other knights to jump at your rescue now, Mr. Knight.’ Wow. The writing is already a crime but to insert your own weird character? Yikes.
SCENE: Jocelyn Calls
JOCELYN: (on phone) Haydn!
HAYDN: Jocelyn! How are you?!
JOCELYN: Terrific! I’m going to jump straight to the point: Somebody brought your recent activities to my attention, and I… I’m in love with it!
JOCELYN: Absolutely! I even watched that cringe fan-fic of the Knights of the Night. Awful writing, but my god… I think you really found your niche.
JOCELYN: (approaching topic cautiously) While people come around, I think you’d be great for some voiceover movies coming up. I talked to the producer of an animated film, the Frozen Phoenix, and she is chomping at the bit to have you voice the intern. She is currently casting, and I submitted your name, and the role is yours.
HAYDN: That’s amazing!
JOCELYN: So, you’re in? Splendid. I need you back in town next month. Recording starts on the 12th.
HAYDN: I (unsure), I don’t think I’m ready to get back to LA.
JOCELYN: Haydn. You’re being granted a return to Hollywood. This is your ticket back into hearts and minds.
HAYDN: I’m actually in the middle of something here.
JOCELYN: Those little projects aren’t paying the bills.
HAYDN: Oh. Those. No. I still have yet to make a buck doing it. That’s not what I’m focusing on. Jocelyn, it was great to talk with you.
JOCELYN: Let me know, Haydn!
HAYDN: I’m turning it down. Thank you though. I have to go. Take care of yourself.
SFX: Phone hangs up
BILLIE: (on phone) Hey Haydn?
HAYDN: Hey Billie. What’s up?
BILLIE: I talked to my manager, and I let him know I wanted to join your project.
HAYDN: (teasing) I don’t know… It may be a little personal: I wrote you in this, and you may be too close to the subject. You sure you want to play yourself?
BILLIE: (proudly) If you can write, I can act as myself.