Roll Players

ROLL PLAYERS

Written By John S. Badger

Mid-game

JAKE: Okay players… Uhhh… roll for attack against the goblin don’t forget to add your bonuses. SQUIGSQUILLION?

SQUIGSQUILLION: I got 15.

JAKE: HENLURIEL?

HENLURIEL: 18

JAKE: What about you, FREDDIE MERCURY?

FREDDIE MERCURY: I got a 12.

JAKE: And ZAXARINA?

ZAXARINA: 3. Your dice are cursed, KROZAX. I want mine back.

KROZAX: They were my brother’s.

ZAXARINA: Oh. I’m sorry. But they’re still terrible.

JAKE: Okay. So… SQUIGSQUILLION and HENLURIEL lunge forward, stabbing the goblin in the throat and side while ZAXARINA just stares blankly, holding onto her mace terrified by it’s gruesome visage.

JAKE: HENLURIEL and SQUIGSQUILLION, roll for damage.

SQUIGSQUILLION: That’s a D6 plus 2, so… 4.

HENLURIEL: 5 for me.

JAKE: The goblin lets out a garbled gasp and twitches a few times on the ground.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Did that kill the goblin?

JAKE: Oh yeah. He’s dead alright. Now that the goblin has perished, the woods are quiet. Eerily quiet. So quiet, if a leaf dropped a hundred yards off, you would still hear it.

HENLURIEL: (out of character) Do you have more mead, good sire?

JAKE: Yes, madame. It is upon the table in the kitchen.

HENLURIEL: Many thanks.

SFX: bottles clinking

KROZAX: I bet you $5 we could get you to say the alternate word to “mead,” before we’re done with the scenario.

HENLURIEL: You’re on. I never say the word outside of this lair anyway.

KROZAX: This’ll be so easy. (focusing) JAKE, Can I roll for insight as to why the woods are so quiet?

JAKE: Uh… (checking a card) just a sec… yes. Yes you may roll for insight.

KROZAX: I rolled a 4.

JAKE: You have no idea why, but you assume a futuristic device came to this time period, and sucked all the living creatures out of those woods.

ZAXARINA: Well, that isn’t helpful. Thanks KROZAX.

KROZAX: Look who’s talking, miss unhelpful-mace-in-the-hand.

HENLURIEL: Can we take a breather here in the woods to rest?

JAKE: Rest is granted. You have defeated the goblin, but you decide to take a short jaunt away to get some rest. SQUIGSQUILLION uses the magic to start the fire, while ZAXARINA and FREDDIE MERCURY set up the hammocks.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Hey guys, it’s past 10. I have work at 6, so I gotta head home before the wife gets mad.

FREDDIE MERCURY: We can hang out for 30 more minutes SQUIG. She’ll be fine.

JAKE: Guys, I said if you want to talk out of game to give the safeword, I am busy weaving a narrative tapestry here.

SFX: Muffled explosions.

KROZAX AND ZAXARINA: What was that???

SFX: Explosions get louder, less muffled.

FREDDIE MERCURY: Where’d your house go???

ACTORS: YOUR VOICES STAY IN CHARACTER UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

ZAXARINA: I can’t see!

SQUIGSQUILLION: I think I’m blind!

SFX: Explosions cease. Goes to near silent. Then crickets.

KROZAX: I can’t see either.

JAKE: What happened to my house? Guys… the house is gone. Or, rather… WE’RE gone. Am I the only one who can see?

SQUIGSQUILLION: Oh man. My wife is going to kill me!

ZAXARINA: Seriously? We’re blind, we don’t know where we are, we just experienced unexplainable explosions, and you’re worried about your wife being… upset… Really?

SQUIGSQUILLION: Yeah. She’s super sweet, but she gets… she gets nuts.

JAKE: Let’s sit over here by the fire until we get our bearings.

HENLURIEL: The fire? Holy crap! There’s a fire. But, there’s literally nothing else here.

JAKE: No. There are hammocks… Guys?

FREDDIE MERCURY: Are you serious? (feeling of having been tricked) You got us. But now, I have to go home. Where’s the light switch?

JAKE: Guys! This isn’t a game… Well… I think I’m wrong about that too. Pretty sure we are IN the game.

KROZAX: I don’t know about you guys, but I can only see hammocks and a fire.

ZAXARINA: Me too.

JAKE: I can see like normal. The woods, the moon, the-

KROZAX: Aaaaaahhhhh!!! (trips over log)

JAKE: The log

KROZAX: NOW I see it!

SQUIGSQUILLION: It’s as JAKE says the scene, we can see.

ZAXARINA: This is trippy… (nag) Oh. Too soon, KROZAX?

KROZAX: (sarcastic) Oh, ha ha

HENLURIEL: Guys! This is serious! JAKE, tell us everything about where we are right now.

JAKE: Let’s see…

ZAXARINA: No. YOU see. That’s the whole point.

KROZAX: Quit it ZAXARINA! (redirecting) JAKE?

JAKE: There are woods. Real thick.

FREDDIE MERCURY: We can already see that. Tell us what you haven’t told us yet.

JAKE: Okay. Ummm…

SQUIGSQUILLION: Zeus. This will take forever.

JAKE: I can hear a bubbling creek nearby. Can’t see it though. It’s dark, past twilight.

KROZAX: I can hear stuff again! I didn’t even realize I couldn’t hear anything.

JAKE: In that case. I can hear distant crickets, the hooing of owls and other general nighttime woods-y sounds.

ZAXARINA: NOW we’re getting somewhere.

HENLURIEL: Am I the only one who’s creeped out by this whole thing?

JAKE: In case you haven’t figured it out, everyone looks just like their figures.

ZAXARINA: Neat-o! I have a mace! Holy crap this is what was so heavy.

JAKE: So you guys can feel stuff, but can’t see it?

HENLURIEL: Yeah.

KROZAX: What if this is like that movie where you have to finish the game, and then we’ll be done in this world?

FREDDIE MERCURY: What’s wrong with living here forever? It seems way better anyway.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Dude… We can’t just live here forever. Right. Let’s head out. Do we have anything here we need to take, Some of us have lives we want to get back to.

ZAXARINA: And some of us would rather not die of stupid stuff like dysentery or the black plague. Pretty sure the makeup in this era is made out of fat anyway. My skin does NOT work well with fats.

KROZAK: Well if this is like the game and I’m still a cleric, I can magically cure wounds, diseases, and even bring people back from the dead, so as long as you’re nice to me...

ZAXARINA: Or anyone else here?

KROZAX: Can we at least get a pint or something at a tavern somewhere? Jake… Does this place at least look like the scenario you made?

JAKE: I don’t know. I swear every forest looks the same. But, yeah. We need to get out of here. I can guarantee standing here won’t get us anywhere. Literally.

ZAXARINA: Let’s get out of here.

JAKE: Uh, guys… you know that kind of cart by the nomadic peoples?

KROZAX: Uhhhhhh. Romany caravan?

SFX: Horses, wooden wheels, and clanking of pots come closer.

JAKE: Exactly!

HENLURIEL: Was that part of the scenario?

JAKE: To be honest.., I didn’t even read the module.

ZAXARINA: What in the forgotten realms, JAKE? You can’t just do that! THIS is why you can’t do that!

FREDDIE MERCURY: I’m sorry. You didn’t read the scenario?

JAKE: How was I supposed to know this would happen?

HENLURIEL: Calm down, guys. Let’s deal with the caravan thingy, and then we can move on. ANY idea if this is a bad thing?

JAKE: It should… not beeeee… Do we roll for stuff in this world?

ZAXARINA: Son of a banshee.

SFX: Fumbling through pockets with metal dice

HENLURIEL: Okay. So, we have dice. I want to roll for knowledge or whatever?

JAKE: Okay. So, roll for perception.

SFX: Dice roll.

HENLURIEL: 17 plus 2… Whoa!

FREDDIE MERCURY: What?

HENLURIEL: No threat. I can kinda see inside the caravan, but she has no weapons.

CARAVAN LADY: Hello weary travelers! Would you care for some wares?

SQUIGSQUILLION: (whispering excitement) I want to go inside! These things usually look cool inside.

ZAXARINA: Uh, yeah lady. Let’s see what you’ve got.

CARAVAN LADY: I have knives, wands, poisons, food. I even have an Orokin Blade Whip What’s your pleasure?

FREDDIE MERCURY: Orokin Whip! We can finally see what it’s like, in person!

HENLURIEL: Do we have any money, JAKE?

JAKE: Yeah. I gave us all some silver.

ZAXARINA: At least you know that. Geez.

KROZAX: Cut him some slack. You realize he’s been dealing with crap at home, right? I can’t imagine JAKE had any time to prepare. The fact that he was even playing tonight is beyond me.

JAKE: Can we just deal with what’s in front of us? Do we want or need anything?

KROZAX: Should we get food now, or wait until we get to the town’s tavern?

HENLURIEL: What town?

CARAVAN LADY: Which town are you heading for?

JAKE: I think it’s called Gabundouche..?

Caravan Lady: Gah-bun-duh-sh? It’s over in that direction, as I’m sure you know already.

SFX: Pots and pans clatter softly whenever the caravan moves.

CARAVAN LADY: Oh, yes. Of course. I’m actually heading that way now, if you want to follow me? Do you have any horses?

JAKE: No. We’re traveling afoot.

CARAVAN LADY. That is of no matter. My horses are slow anyhow. Would you care for some food, as we do have a couple hours travel.

SQUIGSQUILLION: We should try some food in this fare.

HENLURIEL: Agreed! What can we have?

CARAVAN LADY: I have apples, salted pork, and groundsnake.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Salted pork! I’ve heard so much about that stuff in all the books.

SFX: salt spilling

SQUIGSQUILLION: Good heavens! It’s more salt than pork!

Caravan Lady: How else would we preserve it?

FREDDIE MERCURY: Salt is the preservative, not a flavoring agent.

KROZAX: (refocusing) Excellent. Shall we move on?

JAKE: Yes. Let’s head out.

SCENE

HENLURIEL: I had no idea how much we were holding, until we walked this far!

ZAXARINA: I know! It’s so heavy!

JAKE: Why didn’t we give our stuff to the caravan lady to take for the meanwhile.

KROZAX: We discussed this- she’s a gur. Who’s to say she wouldn’t have ridden off with all our stuff if we had?

FREDDIE MERCURY: Well, she hasn’t. You think they get a bad rap for no reason?

JAKE: It’s well documented. Are you guys ready for this? (pause) The woods are clearing, and there’s the town over a hill right over there.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Is that not a hamlet?

JAKE: No. It has a church, and presumably a tavern. Fun Fact: Those features distinguish the hamlets from a town.

ZAXARINA: Okay… Stupid question, but what the heck is a hamlet? Wasn’t that a book?

KROZAX: You prefaced that question correctly.

ZAXARINA: Shut up. You thought the Runaways were the Cranberries.

HENLURIEL: Merlin’s Beard! (snickering) You what?

SQUIGSQUILLION: Fine! Whatever.

KROZAX: (matter of factly) A Hamlet is bigger than a village, but smaller than a town.

CARAVAN LADY: I’m going to be headed off now. You’ll want to head in that direction. (thoughtfully) Before you go on…

SFX: pots and pans clanging soft

CARAVAN LADY: I have something

SFX: wagon creaking

CARAVAN LADY: ...for your travels. You may run into someone who needs this more than I.

SFX: blanket

FREDDIE MERCURY: I’m confused. Is this for you, or we’re being her personal postal service?

HENLURIEL: It’s quite nice.

KROZAK: I want to go in the tavern.

JAKE: You said that already.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Just wanted to make sure you guys knew.

JOHN: Spare some change?

HENLURIEL: Sure... Here.

JOHN: Oh my! So much! Thank you!

KROZAX: How much did you give him?

HENLURIEL: Two of these..?

KROZAX: Blazing inferno. That’s like $400!

HENLURIEL: Well excuse me! I didn’t realize I needed a conversion chart when I got kidnapped by a game!

SQUIGSQUILLION: Guys! Shut up! Let’s go to the tavern and inevitably find out why we’re here.

ZAXARINA: What makes you think we’ll find out there.

SQUIGSQUILLION: You got the quest from Chance411, JAKE?

JAKE: Yeah. And?

SQUIGSQUILLION: Have you not figured out all his scenario missions start in the tavern?

FREDDIE MERCURY: Not the most original DM, to be sure.

JAKE: There it is! It looks just like I imagined it.

HENLURIEL: Chances are, that’s all it is - our imagination.

JAKE: Fair.

KROZAX: Let’s hope. Was there anything weird in our mead before we got taken away?

SQUIGSQUILLION: Mead? It wasn’t anything special. It was just mead. I mean mead. Whoa. (aghast) We can’t even say the word mead. The stuff we drink at bars.

HENLURIEL: Beer?

KROZAX: Ha! We made you say beer! You frickin owe me $5 when we get back.

HENLURIEL: I hate you so much. Can we just go in already?

FREDDIE MERCURY: Was I not a part of that bet? Pretty sure you owe me $5 too.

SFX: Door opens.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Well, JAKE?

JAKE: Yeah? (remembers) Oh! It’s… it’s just like in the stories. Nicely dressed BARKEEP and staff, finely kept wood everywhere, a terrible bard, roaring fires, mead flowing, Communal wooden bench tables with tons of food, uhh some Obscure flags, and of course, Full of people.

SFX: Tavern sounds gradually increase incrementally based on descriptions.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Wow oh wow oh WOW!

JAKE: Right?

Barkeep: What can I get you travelers?

SQUIGSQUILLION: Ales, please.

BARKEEP: For the lot of you?

SQUIGSQUILLION: Oh yes.

BARKEEP: Stay here, and I’ll have you settled in three beats.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Let’s find out who we need to talk to.

SFX: All sounds disappear, with the exception of the “metronome”

JAKE: Roll for insight.

SFX: Dice roll

SQUIGSQUILLION: 15 plusssss 3

JAKE: You see that man over there in the corner with the short horns and a cloak?

SFX: Sounds resume

JAKE: Man.., he looks wealthy.

SQUIGSQUILLION: That’s our guy. He has our quest.

KROZAX: Then let’s go meet him.

HENLURIEL: It’s one thing to meet a character when the DM is the character. It’s a whole other thing to MEET the blood elf.

KROZAX: You said it yourself; he’s our guy. Come ON.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Hi. Um… we were told to come see you for a quest..?

HAMART: (Gruff Elf) Huh? They sent you?

SQUIGSQUILLION: I guess so, yeah.

HAMART: Can’t get good help these days. Fine. I’m Hamart, the local historian. We need to obtain the Black Orb of Rima. It’s an orb. And, it’s black. Now tell me young squire... what does it look like again?

SQUIGSQUILLION: It’s orbular. And black.

HAMART: At least you have some memory. The orb was stolen from Pledale, city of thunder by Basa, duke of hell. Without the orb, the city is going to ruins. Here’s a sack with items you may need along your journey. You best be getting along, now.

FREDDIE MERCURY: Hey. It’s the dead of night, and we don’t know how to get there.

HAMART: Are you scared of the dark, son? Follow this road here in that direction. Keep to the right, and you’ll eventually get to the city of thunder. Talk to Eldenen. She’ll guide you towards Basa.

SQUIGSQUILLION: How are we supposed to know who Eldenen is?

HAMART: She’ll be the one presenting the Benediction of the Dawn.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Anything else we should know, or are we good?

HAMART: “Are we good?” How should I know if you are good or evil. I am in hopes that you aren’t servants of the shadow. You already know too much. Good luck. You’ll clearly need it.

ZAXARINA: You think “duke of hell” is more metaphorical or (pause) literal?

FREDDIE MERCURY: Let’s just get out of here. The tavern wasn’t all I hoped it would be.

SQUIGSQUILLION: No. It was more! I think our drinks are ready.

ZAXARINA: Let’s just go. We’ve gotta get back home.

BARKEEP: Travelers?!

KROZAX: In all the movies, these things land right where they took off. We could be here for days, and not lose a single minute at home. Professor Kirk has this figured out.

FREDDIE MERCURY: Who’s professor Kirk?

KROZAX: Oh. He’s the guy who adopted all the kids in Narnia.

ZAXARINA: (yelling) This ISN’T a movie! (pause to calm down) Come on. He said it’s this way.

SFX: Walking on cobblestone then dirt

HENLURIEL: Well- what’s in the sack?

SQUIGSQUILLION: C4 explosives!

HENLURIEL: Really???

SQUIGSQUILLION: No. It’s…

SFX: Rustling in bag

SQUIGSQUILLION: It’s… garbage. I think he literally gave us his garbage. What the fewmets?!

ZAXARINA: Let’s just hope the quest is better than his gifts. Stick to the right of the road and we should get there.

SCENE:

JAKE: Guys? He said to stick to the right side of the road until we got to the city of thunder, right?

ZAXARINA: Yeah.

JAKE: Well… I hate to break it to you, but there is a ship up ahead. Not a city.

HENLURIEL: Where?

JAKE: Following the path, and at the end of the forest is a ship, a dock, and what appears to be a vast ocean.

SFX: Distant seagull

SQUIGSQUILLION: Well that’s just dandy.

HENLURIEL: Maybe the ship takes us to Pelaton.

ZAXARINA: Pledale. And, that’s hardly what would be called a “ship.”

HENLURIEL: Yeah yeah, whatever. Pledale. Stop being a smeg baby.

JAKE: Does somebody want to roll for anything?

FREDDIE MERCURY: Yeah. I want to know what’s up with Pledale.

JAKE: Great FREDDIE MERCURY, Roll your d20 for history check.

SFX: Dice roll

FREDDIE MERCURY: 13. Oh. I see that the city is still up ahead, and no roads lead there.

HENLURIEL: (indecisive) Does this mean we should take the boat?

SQUIGSQUILLION: I say we take the boat.

KROZAX: (confident) Then we take the boat.

SFX: silent water. Steps on boat. Wood creaking.

ZAXARINA: You think the five of us can row this boat by ourselves?

FREDDIE MERCURY: Can’t we just start the engine? Where’s the ignition on this thing?

HENLURIEL: Let the big kids make the jokes around here. Obviously the Maiden’s Bounty wouldn’t be in the storyline, if we couldn’t all row.

JAKE: Look around guys. There are just enough oars for all of us too.

SQUIGSQUILLION: You realize we have blindspots in our vision still. Right?

JAKE: I’m trying guys. Can you at least smell the salt air?

HENLURIEL: (imitating pirate voice but distinctly still you) Aye cap- we can indeed. Let’s shove off, in search for the black orb.

SCENE

On the boat, rowing. (grunts/pauses suggested during rows)

SFX: picking up wood oars. Splash in water. Rowing.

JAKE: I don’t know how we did it, but there it is! I can see the city lights. Good timing too. It looks like a nasty storm is coming.

SFX: Light thunder

ZAXARINA: (facetious) Just what we needed. Rain added to our pitch dark travels.

KROZAX: Maybe it’s called the city of thunder because Peladon is always in threat of a storm.

HENLURIEL: Pledale. Close, but no tobacco pipe. What do you see JAKE?

JAKE: There’s a harbor I can just barely make out, by the lights of the city on the hill. No lighthouse, but the city looks huge. Imagine a shorter Minas Tirith.

KROZAX: Okay… I know we’re trying to get out of here, but can we all just appreciate how freaking cool this place is?!

ZAXARINA: It’s cool, sure, but remember Gabandush smelled like horse crap. Everywhere.

SQUIGSQUILLION: (wonderment) Right?! This whole world is fascinating.

HENLURIEL: Can we just dock and find an inn? I’m exhausted.

SQUIGSQUILLION: (skeptical) Do we want to stay here overnight?

HENLURIEL: There’s no way we can find Basa, defeat him, AND take the orb to Hamart tonight.

JAKE: We’re not. We’re taking it back to Pledale. I say we get home as soon as we can. Let’s just get this over with.

HENLURIEL: Let’s do Boulder, Parchment, Shears.

SFX: Fists clapping..?

TOGETHER: Boulder. Parchment. Shears.

HENLURIEL: Sorry, JAKE. Looks like we’re staying overnight. Let’s just enjoy the journey. We’ll have a story to tell for all eternity. You’ll be telling your grandkids about this night, from our spaceships.

ZAXARINA: Shh!

JAKE: (upset) I can’t HAVE kids. Much less, grandkids.

HENLURIEL: Oh. I am sorry..? I’m sorry I said anything. But, we’re staying overnight in Pledale. And at dawn, we’ll set out again for Basa. And we’ll get you back home, JAKE.

SQUIGSQUILLION: (trying to cheer him up somehow) My mom got re-diagnosed with cancer.

JAKE: Is she here? (pause) No? Then shut up.

KROZAX: Calm down guys. We’re all tired. Maybe even hangry too. We haven’t eaten since your husband brought the seven layer dip. Not particularly thematic, but definitely the best I’ve had… I’m hungry… Who’s down for a turkey leg?!

SQUIGSQUILLION: Get ready to toss me the rope.

SFX: Boat docking bumping. Oars being tossed. Rope tossed. Harbor bell. Seagull

JAKE: (resigned/bored/irritated) This looks like the main road. Let’s head this way. We’re bound to find an inn around here someplace.

FREDDIE MERCURY: I’ll be honest guys. I’m famished.

KROZAX: You think they’ll have food?

SFX: Walking on stone.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Every inn in this world has food.

KROZAX: If you insist.

SFX: distant dog bark. Harbor bell.

HENLURIEL: I guess this is what I always imagined a coastal Maine town would look like. Like, the Stephen King books. Like, there’s the harbor. Obviously. The gas lights everywhere.

ZAXARINA: Are gas lights everywhere in King’s novels?

HENLURIEL: I don’t know. Hey JAKE. Can I roll for insight as to if Stephen King books are often lit with gas lamps?

JAKE: (still slightly irritated, but amused and unsure) I guess? Roll for… a history check..?

SFX: Dice roll.

HENLURIEL: 3.

JAKE: You can barely see a thing and have no idea who that author is.

HENLURIEL: See? Told you. This is Maine. Like, old, old, OLD Maine.

SFX: Tavern sound in background slowly gets louder.

JAKE: The Cracked Cask Inn. Looks like the tavern has rooms. Let’s get us some food. And a turkey leg for you, KROZAX. Then get some sleep. We should be rested to meet Basa, anyway.

HENLURIEL: About earlier, JAKE… I’m sorry.

JAKE: No need. Not your fault. Let’s just… (“enjoy” mockingly) enjoy ourselves while we’re here.

KROZAX: No argument here!

SFX: Big door opens. Tavern sound increases.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Turkey legs, my good man!

SCENE

Waking up at the Inn

JAKE: Good morning guys. I was thinking we could stick around a little while longer. It really is a great place.

HENLURIEL: Why are you wet?

JAKE: I just went for a swim. The water was cold, but by the time I got to the sandbar, it felt fantastic.

ZAXARINA: JAKE? Are you feeling okay?

JAKE: I don’t remember the last time I felt so good. I didn’t like sleeping on the straw mattress with the bugs, but it was sorta refreshing anyway.

SFX: Tossing bed

ZAXARINA: (disgust) Ohhh! Bugs!

JAKE: (continuing) Did you know they serve mead with breakfast here? This place is fantastic. Oh! The Benediction of the Dawn was marvelous! You should have seen it. The streets were lined with people in costumes. Apparently it’s twice a year on the solstices.

KROZAX: (weirded out) Okayyy. Does anyone else want a mead? No? Let’s head out. Actually. Breakfast sounds good though.

HENLURIEL: Wait! Benediction of the Dawn? Did you see Aristotle?

ZAXARINA: Eldenen.

JAKE: I did. She told me we need to head westward on the main road, and we’ll run into the Fangs of Arahar.

SCENE:

Walking west

SFX: Walking in dirt/grass. Wind. Distant birds.

JAKE: Just past the hill! I see a bunch of flags.

KROZAX: That must be the Fangs of Arahar. (introspective questioning of grammatical structure) They must be the fangs? That must be the fangs? Oh whatever.

JAKE: Now I can see the people. A good group. Maybe like 50 or so.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Hopefully they’ll help us fight Basa.

ZAXARINA: What else do they have to do, in this fictional world?

HENLURIEL: (mind-blown) Ohhhhhh… What happens to these people when we’re not interacting with them?

KROZAX: You think they go into oblivion?

HENLURIEL: What if this kind of thing happens for them every day, so this is just another day, and they interact with RPs on the reg?

ZAXARINA: You think- (interrupted)

SQUIGSQUILLION: Guys! We should probably focus. JAKE. Can we tell if the Fangs are friendly, or not?

JAKE: Roll for insight.

SFX: Roll

SQUIGSQUILLION: 16.

JAKE: They’ll be receptive- not harmful to us.

SFX: Walking away

ZAXARINA: Yoohoo! Gentlemen! (trails off)

(pause)

ZAXARINA: (distant) My name’s ZAXARINA Shadowfell. ZAXARINA spelled with an X. Do you fellows want to fight Basa, duke of hell?

SFX: Murmur (pause)

ZAXARINA: (coming back) They’re not interested.

FREDDIE MERCURY: Great. Just great. Why bother adding combative NPCs to a game if they’re of no consequence to us?

KROZAX: I know we fight these boss guys all the time at home, but… that’s at HOME. We can’t just go into battle, not considering ramifications.

HENLURIEL: Stop being such a spoil sport. Let’s do this. Who needs the Fangs of Arahar… Let’s fight this so-called Duke of hell.

SQUIGSQUILLION: If we ever plan on making it back home, it’s clear we need to make it to Basa.

KROZAX: Is it obvious? Do we need to defeat Basa? If I remember correctly, Chance411 who made the scenario, always makes the boss a CR-10. And, we don’t have enough players or XP to do that. Last time I checked.

ZAXARINA: Can we take assessment of our items? There’s the bag the Gur lady gave us. The garbage bag from Hamart. Did anybody else pick anything else up from anywhere? (pause)(deadpan) Oh good. You brought the turkey leg bone. Awesome. Can we roll for insight on how much attack that gives us?

JAKE: Use your-

ZAXARINA: - I wasn’t serious! It’s a turkey bone. It has no damage, except to it when SQUIGSQUILLION ate it last night.

SQUIGSQUILLION: (excited) This morning.

ZAXARINA: (disgusted) We’ll overlook the fact that he had this saved from last night, and there’s no ice in this era, except in the winter, or on the mountains. (re-focusing) Taking assessment… Let’s see…

FANG 1: Excuse us…

SQUIGSQUILLION: Oh. The Fang Gang is here.

ZAXARINA: Hello again, gentlemen. Think you could join us in our quest for the Black Orb?

(woman) Fang 2: I am no gentle man.

SFX: helmet removed

ZAXARINA: Pardon me. Behind the helmet, I couldn’t see you. How do you keep your complexion so perfect?

FANG 2: I wash my face with-

FANG 1: (clear throat) There are three of us. We are new initiates to the Fangs of Arahar, and have been asked to join you, as long as we are permitted to bring the head of Basa back upon victory.

FREDDIE MERCURY: We weren’t planning on keeping it.

KROZAX: Who says we have to FIGHT Basa?

FANG 2: You will need to fight Basa. There is no negotiation with the duke of hell. The black orb of Rima is not to be taken lightly. The city of thunder was built around the orb, and now it is gone to the hand of Basa. This is no game.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Welllll

KROZAX: (serious) It ISN’T, SQUIGSQUILLION. There have got to be consequences to our actions here.

FANG 2: If I may… we need to move out. Basa sleeps during the day, hunting at night. If we surprise him, we’ll have a fighting chance between the eight of us.

JAKE: I have a question… What happens when we’re not here? What happens to you?

FANG 1: What “happens” to us?

JAKE: When we are not present, does the-

HENLURIEL: (interrupting) JAKE… They obviously have no idea. Don’t confuse them.

JAKE: Heads up guys. Beyond the countryside before the mountains, are the ruins of a town.

FANG 2: Yes. That was Dustfall. My family resided there. Before Basa burned it down.

KROZAX: By himself?

FANG 2: Yes. Are you not familiar with Basa’s capabilities?

KROZAX: Guys… I’m becoming more and more concerned about ramifications of this mission.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Blood and ashes, KROZAX! My wife is at home, concerned about my welfare.

KROZAX: I thought we determined this time has no effect on the time at home.

HENLURIEL: It is a theory, but without returning, we cannot know for certain.

FREDDIE MERCURY: Honestly, I’m okay with either living here, or back at home.

ZAXARINA: The town does look like it went to Hades hard.

SQUIGSQUILLION: (firmly) We do need to carry on.

SCENE:

JAKE: Here we go. That’s obviously the entrance to Basa’s cavern in the cliffside there.

SQUIGSQUILLION: There’s a cliff!

JAKE: My bad guys. I’m not familiar with describing everything 100% of the time.

KROZAX: How would one begin a fight with the boss at this point?

JAKE: We can roll for-

BASA: (Roar)

JAKE: Nevermind. It looks like Basa found us. So much for the element of surprise.

SQUIGSQUILLION: Fiddlesticks.

JAKE: Basa is tall. Real tall and grey.

ZAXARINA: Not attractive, that’s for sure.

KROZAX: Lets hold here and fortify our position. Prepare for battle!

MUSIC (NEEDS TECHNICAL ROLLING)

SFX: Loud thud

SQUIGSQUILLION: The rocks he’s lobbing are bigger than we are!

KROZAX: Get ready! ZAXARINA! Hit him with your arcane bolt before he’s close enough to melee!

SFX: Spell cast

KROZAX: SQUIGSQUILLION! Your arrows. Now!

SFX: Bow and arrow

BASA: (groan)

FANG 2: ATTACK!!!

HENLURIEL: (took painful blow) Aughhh!

KROZAX: I cast Healing Word on HENLURIEL.

HENLURIEL: (painful relief) I didn’t expect that to hurt in real life!

SQUIGSQUILLION: Did you see that sick somersault I just did?!

ZAXARINA: Nobody cares! Kill the beast!

BASA: You’ll never take my sphere!

HENLURIEL: We’ll take the orb, and the Fangs of Arahar will take your head!

BASA: Over my dead body!

FREDDIE MERCURY: (defiantly) That’s the plan.

SCENE

ZAXARINA: (exhausted) We can’t win.

JAKE: All your rolls have been good, but he’s just doing better. Where are the Fangs?

FANG 2: (distant) (real sad) I lost my two closest friends!

KROZAX: He’s slowing down, guys! We can’t lose our lives to a fictional character! Don’t lose heart!

SQUIGSQUILLION: Give me the Fang axe! (Pause) Oof! Heavier than expected.

ZAXARINA: Take him down at the leg. We’ll all attack.

SFX: Rolling

JAKE: Guys, we didn’t roll high enough to hit him, all of the attacks bounce off of his gnarled hide.

BASA: (laugh and then terror) He’s with you too?

JAKE: Who? Guys! We have company. Who is that?

ZAXARINA: You tell us.

JAKE: A guy on a horse, headed this way! He’s wearing (focused) Chain mail, a Japanese sword. And-

SQUIGSQUILLION: -A katana. KROZAX.., you don’t think it’s…

JAKE: And a confederate hat. What WAS he smoking when he put on that outfit? (laughing) Oh boy. That’s no horse. That blue thing he’s riding, is a unicorn.

KROZAX and SQUIGSQUILLION: It is!!!

ZAXARINA: Captain Sparkles!

HENLURIEL: Well, that got rid of Basa. Quick. Let’s mend while we still have a chance.

KROZAX: JAKE, what’s happening?

JAKE: Captain Sparkles is overtaking Basa... They’re rolling... Everybody! Look! Sparkles slayed Basa!

HENLURIEL: I need to go give Captain Sparkles something.

ZAXARINA: What are you giving him?

HENLURIEL: I think the Caravan Lady wanted me to give him this quilt.

KROZAX: Can you give him his dice back too, as you go? Pretty sure this is why we’re all here in the first place.

HENLURIEL: Sure.

SFX: walking away.

MUSIC

SFX: magic or something

SQUIGSQUILLION: What’s happening?

ZAXARINA: We’re going home, guys. (Refreshed and emotional) We’re going home.