the Irreverent Sale

THE IRREVERENT SALE

Customers interior car driving onto sales lot

Peter: (negatively) When we get to the dealership, we show them the car we want, we look at it. If we don’t like it, then we’re out.

Jasmine: Why are you so inclined to go into every dealership so negatively?

PETER: Oh look. The salesmen are on the lot. Like vultures.

SFX: Car door opens from interior

TROY: (overly friendly) Hello there! That is a great car you have there. What is that? A 2017?

PETER: Yeah. I’ll take it you’ve done this a while.

TROY: I’m still new here, but I do love cars. Is there anyone in particular you’re here to see today?

JASMINE: We’re looking for this car we found on your website.

TROY: Oh yeah! Excellent car. Tell you what- it’s so hot out here, why don’t we go inside real quick and I’ll help you out. My name’s Troy. What’s your’s?

JASMINE: Jasmine. And this is Peter.

PETER: I’m actually just wanting to look at the car. Where is it?

TROY: Oh, absolutely. Right off-hand, I don’t recall where it is, but if we go inside, I can look up the stock number, and grab the key, grab the car, and all you have to do is hang out in the AC. Doesn’t that sound much more comfortable?

JASMINE: Thank you. Do you have a desk?

TROY: I sure do. Let’s go right to it, and get down to business. You two look like you’re in a hurry, so I’ll be as efficient as possible.

JASMINE: Thank you.

TROY: Excellent. Have yourselves some seats. You said… (remembering) Jasmine and… Peter. Right?

PETER: That’s us.

TROY: Would you two care for some water? Actually, I’m a sucker for coffee, despite the heat. We have a fancy machine-

PETER: No. We just want to see the car. So…

TROY: Completely understandable. Tell you what, if you change your minds, the cooler is right over there. Feel free to help yourself. I’m going to grab that car, and bring it around. I’ll be right back in a jiffy.

SFX: Walking away

PETER: Did you see that?

JASMINE: What?

PETER: He’s straight-up wasting our time.

JASMINE: Have an open mind. You’re such a grouch when you buy a car. Can we not do this again?

PETER: We showed him the car we wanted, but we’re just sitting, waiting around for him to finish telling us his what? Coffee order?

JASMINE: Please don’t do this. If we don’t like the car, we’ll just go check out the other car at the dealership down the road. Okay? (pause. Pushing) Okay?

PETER: Fine.

SCENE: Troy returns

TROY: Thank you so much for your patience, guys. I have a car pulled around out front for us. I even put it through the wash. It was filthy with the dust storm we had earlier.

SFX: Chairs scooted out, and footsteps from tile to concrete.

TROY: So, I do have a confession: that exact car you showed me had a deposit put on it, so it’s off the market, unfortunately. But I looked for another one you might like even more.

PETER: (protesting) I’m sorry. You what? We’re going to look at a car that isn’t the one we came to see?

TROY: I understand your hesitation, Peter. You already spent so much time here, I didn’t want to waste another second of your time. Instead of having to jump from dealership to dealership, I wanted to ensure you had the opportunity to see all your options.

PETER: No. This is a bait and switch, and I want to speak to someone about this.

TROY: (keeping chipper) Absolutely. I can arrange that for you. I have had several customers come back later, complaining I didn’t show them alternatives. They ultimately bought from me, but we can take a quick peek at this one, and I can go ahead and get my manager, if that’s what you would like.

SFX: Rewinding

TROY: Completely understandable. Tell you what, if you change your minds, the cooler is right over there. Feel free to help yourself. I’m going to grab that car, and bring it around. I’ll be right back in a jiffy.

SFX: Walking

TROY: Hey. I got a couple looking for the grey Buick we just took in last week.

HELEN: Did they see internet pricing?

TROY: Yeah. That’s why I came here. I think we have a Chevy that has pretty much the same specs. Different interior. What’s the gross on that one?

HELEN: Which one is it?

SFX: Mouse scrolling

TROY: That one. Yeah. Ooh! It’s even cheaper.

HELEN: Hey. (scolding) Stop looking at my screen.

TROY: (dismissive) Sorry. What’s the gross though.

HELEN: Sell it at sticker, and there are a couple pounds in there for you.

TROY: What’s the mileage?

HELEN: About the same. Stock number B 2240. Sell the sizzle.

SFX: Audio montage: unlocking box. Running on concrete. Unlocking car. In car wash. Parking.

SFX: Fast forward

TROY: (keeping chipper) Absolutely. I can arrange that for you. I have had several customers come back later, complaining I didn’t show them alternatives. They ultimately bought from me, but we can take a quick peek at this one, and I can go ahead and get my manager, if that’s what you would like.

JASMINE: Are you sure this isn’t the same car?

TROY: I’m so glad you asked, Jasmine. This car is the same vehicle, except the badge has the Chevy logo on it. Same umbrella company makes this one, and the one you came in on. The mileage, if I’m not mistaken, is even less than the one you were looking at. Check out this interior too! It’s even lighter in color, which keeps it cooler than the other one during the summer. Isn’t that beautiful? (impressed with himself) Right?

PETER: What’s the price on this one though?

TROY: Wonderful question. I wouldn’t have brought you out here to see this car if I didn’t think this was exactly what you were looking for, vehicle-wise, and pricewise.

JASMINE: Can we take it out for a ride around the block?

TROY: Absolutely!

PETER: No no. Hold up. How much is it?

TROY: To be 100 percent honest with you, Peter. I glanced at the price long enough to see it was comparable to the Buick you came to see, and it had even lower mileage than the one you came for. I grabbed the key, and brought it over. I’d hate to waste another second than absolutely necessary. Tell you what: my goal is to help you- not waste your time. Why don’t we go on a quick tour around our neighborhood, and I’ll work up the numbers so you’re no less than perfectly happy. Does that sound good to you, Jasmine and Peter?

JASMINE: I’d like that. (scolding) Peter?

PETER: Yeah. Sure.

TROY: Great! Let me grab your licenses real quick, and I’ll be right back.

SFX: Licenses. Running on concrete to tile. Scanner. Grabbing papers. Car doors closing 3x. Engine starts.

TROY: (out of breath) I grabbed us the history report for the car. I perused it, and the history looks fantastic. Only 31 thousand miles. One owner. Oh! It’s even from last year.

PETER: Whoever had it must have driven a lot in a year.

TROY: I mean, yeah. My wife drives about 40 thousand a year. She works all the way down in Bloomdale.

JASMINE: She drives that far every day?

TROY: She does. She works at a charity down there. How long have you two been together? Oh! I presume you two both have the same last name because you’re married?

JASMINE: Yes.

TROY: Oh good! (giving directions) You can take a left at that light right there. So, how long have you two been together?

PETER: Five years.

JASMINE: We met at college.

TROY: Oh yeah? What did you two major in?

(fades out)

SCENE:

HELEN: How are you making out with your customers?

TROY: She’s in, but I’m having to justify everything to the husband.

HELEN: Who’s your buyer?

TROY: She is.

HELEN: Who’s the car for?

TROY: Him.

HELEN: But she’s in your court?

TROY: Yeah.

HELEN: Perfect. So you have nothing to worry about. Go pass them these numbers. Wait- how is credit?

TROY: I’m guessing upper 7s.

SFX: Passing a paper

HELEN: Okay. Yeah. Give them these numbers. Go sell them a car. You’re only one deal away from top sales for the month.

SFX: Footsteps on tile

TROY: Jasmine! Peter. I have great news for you two. But first… how did you like the Chevy?

JASMINE: I loved it.

TROY: Excellent. Excellent. Peter?

PETER: (unenthused) It was good. Let’s see the price.

TROY: Somebody’s excited. Alright. So here’s the breakdown, but I’ll explain it all to you in just a sec.

SFX: Paper slides on table

TROY: So, here’s the sale price, your tax, title, dealer doc, and your out-the-door. On a monthly basis with just 5 thousand down, these are your payments. Now, the question is would you rather have a 24, 36, or 42 month term?

JASMINE: Hmmm

PETER: (disapproving) You’re saying that this is all with 5 thousand down?

TROY: This column is, yes. But as you can see, there are alternatives with 10 thousand and zero. Assuming credit checks out, since we didn’t look at that yet.

(awkward silence)

PETER: No.

TROY: (intrigued) No what?

PETER: We like the car. But, we’re not spending that kind of money on that car. We thought it would be cheaper than that.

TROY: Hm. So, it’s the right car though?

JASMINE: We do like the car.

TROY: Excellent. And, it has lower miles, it’s newer, and it’s cheaper than the one you initially came for. What more could you ask for?

PETER: It has a lot of miles on it for it only being a year old.

TROY: I have the history for it. They had all the inspections done at the right mileage. If anything, I’d prefer a car that was well maintained, and driven heavily like this. That way you know there’s no dry rot, or any problems that an older one might have.

PETER: Were there any accidents?

TROY: No sir. Perfect history.

PETER: Well, we came for a Buick. This is a Chevy.

TROY: True. And true. These are the same vehicles though, just different badging. Only the cosmetics are different.

SFX: Rewinding

TROY: Oh yeah? What did you two major in?

(fades out)

SFX: Chairs scooting in

JASMINE: Look, you drag me out of work to come look at a car. This isn’t the car, but it’s everything you were looking for. How do you like it?

PETER: It checks all the boxes. We don’t know the price of it yet though.

JASMINE: Let’s pretend it’s the same price though. Would we buy it?

PETER: It’s not going to be the same price. It has lower miles, and newer. He’s been giving us the runaround ever since we got here.

JASMINE: I think he’s been perfectly lovely.

PETER: Well then why don’t you take him home with you?

JASMINE: Could we not? Do you want the car or not?

PETER: Yeah. Are you sure we should?

JASMINE: For Pete’s sake, Peter. Make up your mind. I should be at work right now, but you wanted- oh. Here he comes.

SFX: Footsteps approach.

SFX: Fast forward

TROY: True. And true. These are the same vehicles though, just different badging. Only the cosmetics are different.

JASMINE: (after pause) Do you mind if we talk about this for a second?

TROY: Absolutely! I need to go grab something anyway. Just give me the high sign when you’re ready for me.

SFX: Walking

HELEN: So?

TROY: They’re just about to pull the trigger. Wife’s on board, but he’s just being a stick in the mud.

HELEN: They’re getting out their phones. Go stop that.

TROY: They asked for a minute.

HELEN: You’re just about to lose all your gross, if they see online pricing.

TROY: How much? I haven’t looked.

HELEN: Want to find out the hard way? (whisper yelling) Go!

TROY: I’m going!

SFX: fast Walking

TROY: Hey guys. How’s it going?

JASMINE: Oh! We’re going to have to think about it. When do you guys close tonight?

TROY: We close at 8 o’clock, but I’m already here late. My shift was technically over 30 minutes ago.

JASMINE: Awww. I’m sorry. I had no idea. We can come back tomorrow.

TROY: My wife and kids are used to me getting home a couple hours late any day of the week. I’m here for you guys. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for this Chevy. I frequently set appointments to show a car to someone, and they come in time to watch the car drive off- very similar to the situation you had with the Buick.

JASMINE: What do you think, Peter? It is your car after all?

SFX: Rewind

TROY: Absolutely! I need to go grab something anyway. Just give me the high sign when you’re ready for me.

SFX: Walking away

PETER: What do you think, honey?

JASMINE: I think if you want the car, get the car. Honestly, I’m kind of over it, now. We’ve been here for three hours, and haven’t even seen the car we came for.

PETER: Yeah. Holy- it has been three hours. But, I don’t want you to have gotten off work, just to not even get what we came for.

JASMINE: Before we decide, we should at least look what’s available in the area.

PETER: Yeah. (reluctant) Okay.

SFX: Phone touchpad clicks

SFX: Fast forward

JASMINE: What do you think, Peter? It is your car after all?

PETER: You’re right, honey. We should think it over for the night. If it sells tonight, it wasn’t meant to be.

TROY: It is a common misconception that decisions require time. They don’t require time: they require information. I am your information resource. If you need information, I’m your guy. I am ultimately here as your advocate. What do you need to know?

JASMINE: Is there any way to lower the price?

TROY: I believe we already talked about how it’s already comparable, with fewer miles, and newer.

PETER: But it isn’t the Buick.

TROY: I’ll tell you what… it isn’t the Buick, but my goal is to make you happy in any way possible- (wink) within reason. What is absolutely necessary to make this the right vehicle for you?

PETER: 5 thousand less.

TROY: (aghast) If we had that kind of profit margin on our cars, I’d always be on vacation. But seriously. Okay, so… Your payments are currently 350 with this downpayment. And with about $20 for every thousand loan, that would lower the payments to… $100 off a month. That would obviously earn your business today, right?

PETER: (reluctant) Yeah. Sure.

TROY: Perfect. Let me go see if I can make that happen. Put your signatures on here saying that if I can make this happen, you’ll take this car home today.

SFX: Signature

TROY: Obviously payment will also be determined by credit. So, fill this out for me while I go drop this off with my desk manager. I’ll be right back.

SFX: Walking

HELEN: Whatcha got?

TROY: (disappointed) A garbage commitment.

HELEN: Let me see?

SFX: Page passed

HELEN: That’s… (calculating) That’s 5K off.

TROY: (defensive) You guys always say get a commitment, no matter what.

HELEN: This isn’t a commitment; it’s a joke. Go get a real commitment.

TROY: I have them filling out credit.

HELEN: On 5K below asking? It’s not like it’s a truck or SUV with that kind of-

TROY: -Do you want me to stop them from filling out credit?

HELEN: No. I’ll tell you what.

SFX: Typing

HELEN: Go show them Stock number B305

SFX: metal box unlocked

TROY: (unhappy) You can’t be serious.

HELEN: If they can’t afford the one you showed them, show them one they can afford.

TROY: (disheartened while trying to be optimistic) Hey folks. While the desk manager is working out the numbers on the Chevy, I was thinking we should take a quick walk. Is that alright with you?

JASMINE: Sure.

PETER: While he’s ‘working on the numbers?’

TROY: She, actually. Helen’s really great. But, yeah. We should take a quick walk. So, generally speaking, 20 bucks a month equates to a thousand dollars. With a hundred dollars off the monthly payment, that means you should be able to afford a 14 thousand dollar vehicle. I found one I think would be the perfect car for the payments. And, this one only has…

SFX: crappy car cranked

TROY: (cont’d) 94 thousand miles.

JASMINE: I’m sorry, Troy. I think we’re on a totally different page.

TROY: Oh?

PETER: (offended) What are we looking at this one for?

JASMINE: What I think Peter means, is… aren’t there any better options?

TROY: I wanted to make sure we were respecting your budget, and your time. I wouldn’t want to show you a vehicle that would be a penny more than what you’re willing to pay. This one will be perfect for you, if the budget you mentioned was indeed your budget. Which, (assuring) of course it is. Are we ready to jump in and go around the block?

PETER: I don’t think so.

TROY: If you’d prefer, we can go back inside and see what Helen has done, but I’m just going to lay my cards out there, and let you know… (shaking head) I doubt you’re going to find much progress on the money front.

PETER: Let’s just see what she has to say.

JASMINE: (sigh of relief) Yes.

TROY: Sure. I’ll just shut this…

SFX: crappy car turns off

TROY: … off. And, in we go. I’ll meet you back at my desk. I’ll go talk to Helen.

SFX: Walking on tile

TROY: Hey boss lady… I think they’re ready to see you, if you’re open to it.

HELEN: Sure. Do I get half your deal when I make it happen?

TROY: You’re the boss.

SFX: Walking on tile (2x)

TROY: Jasmine, Peter. This is Helen, the lady who was working on your deal.

HELEN: Hey folks!

PETER: Oh no. What did I tell you? They’d send in their big guns.

HELEN: (amused) Oh no. Not at all. I’m just the manager who has been working on this deal. I just wanted to make sure Troy was taking good care of you two.

JASMINE: He’s been great. I know it may sound weird, but we really like the car, but we need time to pray about this. The car is a really big purchase, and something we shouldn’t take lightly.

HELEN: Oh, absolutely! I pray with my husband before every major purchase too. If you don’t mind, I would love to- if you don’t mind- (apparent humility) lead us in a quick prayer?

JASMINE: That actually… I would like that. Peter?

PETER: (hesitant) Uh, yeah. Sure.

HELEN: Wonderful! Alright… (composes herself. Starts piously) Oh, father in heaven. We come before you, humbly, seeking your guidance. (slowly getting more excited) We found a vehicle we think would be a perfect fit for the Jamesons-

JASMINE: (correcting) Jerards

HELEN: … a vehicle we think would be perfect fit for the Jerards. After many hours of searching, we have found the right monthly payments, the right car, and this will transport Peter from home to his place of business. Oh, father… we thank you for bringing this very vehicle to our notice, because we know that without your guidance, we wouldn’t have found the perfect vehicle so reasonably priced. And, your generosity has led me to add free undercoating on the Chevy for the Jerards.

PETER: (approving, reverent) Oh

HELEN: And with approved financing, the Jerards will have payments as low as 240 a month and free weather mats. (reverently again) We thank you again, oh father in heaven for leading us to this one exact car. If it not be your will to get this vehicle all cleaned up for the Jerards, tell us now. Amen.

JASMINE: (amused) Well, hallelujah.