TWO WRONGS MAKE A WRIGHT
SCENE: Jack on Phone with RALPH
JACK: (mid-conversation) I don’t need an entire history lesson here. You’re just going to tell me there’s something to steal.
RALPH: You have to understand the significance, before I let you decide if you want to take it or not.
JACK: I told you: with your last stunt, we can’t work for you again. We just barely made it out alive with the last one. Who would have thought molten lava would have been involved in the heist of a painting in Paris?
RALPH: Maybe if you knew what it was, and what you’d get in return, you’d have a different perspective on the situation.
JACK: You can tell me, but you’re running the risk that I might rat you out, and-
RALPH: I am with you, JACK. Here’s the Deal: it was bought for a dollar.
JACK: And you want my team to lift it?
RALPH: Can I give you a history lesson, real quick, or what?
JACK: Make it quick.
RALPH: In 1903, a couple brothers took a contraption to North Carolina from Ohio. Since the proof of concept, fragments of this contraption have been taken to the moon and back, and at auction, they were valued at 5.2 million. Fragments, JACK- Just the fragments.
JACK: Can you cut to the chase?
JACK: [surprised cough] I’m sorry?
JACK: I know where it is, RALPH. This definitely has some Carmen Sandiego vibes to it. [hesitant, thoughtful] I’m… I’m intrigued. Let me touch base with the team. What’s the payout?
SCENE: at house party
SFX: loud music, partiers.
WALTER: So this is how the other half lives!
Adam: More like the other half percent.
RITTER: JACK wants us in the back.
ELLIE: JACK’s actually here? At his own place?
RITTER: Yeah. It’s starting to look like he wants another job.
Adam: (disbelief) He still wants to do another, after the last time?
RITTER: I think these are special circumstances.
SCENE: In “back”
JACK: Glad to see you guys are still down for a good party.
Adam: We wouldn’t miss the party of the year at your place.
ELLIE: You pulled the four of us aside, and there’s only one reason to bring us all together.
JACK: Straight to the chase, ELLIE. I like it. I’m not going to lie to you, guys. This one is the last, but I will be going out with a bang. It’s the Kitty Hawk Flyer.
RITTER: The Wright Brothers’ plane?
JACK: Somebody knows their American history.
RITTER: I’m going to let the aeronautical history and American history snub slide for now. I just want to know which part we’re taking.
JACK: All of it.
WALTER: Hold up. We’re talking of taking the whole Wright Brothers’ Kitty Hawk Flyer. Am I hearing you correctly?
JACK: Astute listening skills, you have. I can always count on you to summarize everything that's just been said. The payout will send all of us into permanent retirement.
ELLIE: How much?
JACK: I love how much you just want to get right down to it. I’m not going to lie to you guys. The Wright plane is in DC, the most restricted area in the nation.
WALTER: (skeptical) Are you sure?
JACK: January only made it more restrictive, I assure you. We’ve already done some recon, and it’s going to be quite the heist.
ELLIE: So??? How much?
JACK: 8 mil.
JACK: Each. (beat) There’s a buyer in Dubai who wants the plane, and is paying top dollar to add it to his private collection.
RITTER: How are we getting away with this one?
JACK: Details, details. I haven’t given them an answer yet, but I want to know if you’re in, or not before I do. If not, there’s still a perfectly good party behind those doors waiting for you. I’ll let you guys discuss. I’ll step out. Someone come grab me when there’s unanimity. Oh. One more thing… It’s all of you, or none of us. In the meantime, I need a drink.
SFX: Door opens. Party volume increases/decreases. Door closes.
SCENE: Parking lot near airport
SFX: motorcycles pull up. Periodic plane overhead.
RITTER: I want to introduce you guys-
WALTER: (ridiculing) You guys got crotch rockets?
RITTER: What? They’re the last ones that were available.
Adam: (shrugging) I think it’s hot.
RITTER: Can I finish? This is my brother DANNY.
DANNY: Great to meet you guys.
SFX: Van door slams
JACK: Good to see you all. DANNY, good to have you aboard.
DANNY: Yes sir. Thank you for inviting me.
JACK: I couldn’t pass you up. Not after hearing your track record. Okay, we’re all here. Let’s go over this one last time to eliminate any confusion. RITTER. You and DANNY are still on Disassembly. Adam and ELLIE. You’re on replica assembly. WALTER. You’re on labeling and packing. My guys and I will help wherever needed. Alarms get tripped, we are out immediately using exit number 3. We all know our routes out. ELLIE. You know where all the trackers and alarms are on the plane, yes?
ELLIE: Of course. I have the schematics.
JACK: With all our practice, we should be able to do this with our eyes and mouths closed by this point, but are there any questions? [pause] Alright. Keep rubber side down, and let’s get to it. We have a 3 hour window.
SFX: Motorcycles rev, and ride off
SCENE: at museum exterior
SFX: Walking on sidewalk
JACK: 3 hours starts now.
SFX: timer beep
SCENE: inside museum
SFX: Ratchets clicking. Cloth unfolded.
WALTER: (whispering) There are some screws in here I have never seen before. We’re having to make due with the tools we have. Shouldn’t be too much of a problem.
JACK: I don’t want to know what’s holding you back. You just need to speed up. We’re 10 minutes behind already.
WALTER: Copy that.
Some time later
DANNY: Hey boss. You might want to come check this out.
JACK: I have to finish this.
DANNY: Um… No. You need to come see this. We have a serious problem.
JACK: RITTER. See what’s up with your brother. I can’t oversee everything myself.
RITTER: You got it. DANNY, what? [pause, concerned] Oh. JACK. You for sure need to see this for yourself.
JACK: What is it?
RITTER: We’re not exactly looking at the right Wright brothers plane.
DANNY: It looks like someone else had the same idea about stealing the original.
JACK: You’re telling me this isn’t the original?
RITTER: Looks that way.
DANNY: The last burglars left their signature on it. What are we going to do?
JACK: Guys. Bring it in. RITTER and the brother discovered the plane’s a fake. We have a couple options, and they both suck. We can either put these pieces back together, like it was before, and take ours back home. Or, we keep going, and hope the buyer doesn’t notice it’s a fake.
ELLIE: What are the odds they’ll find out it’s a fake?
JACK: It’s not good. I’d say once we clean it up, there’s a 10 percent chance of getting caught.
WALTER: 10 percent? That’s a 9 out of 10 chance we’ll get away with it. That ain’t bad.
Adam: It ain’t good either. Anyone able to pay us 8 million each is able to spend far less to kill us all, and get away with it.
JACK: We don’t have time to discuss this. We’re 20 minutes behind. What’s the verdict? Continue, or abandon it?
WALTER: I say we keep going.
JACK: And the rest of you?
RITTER: Yeah no, yeah
ELLIE: I’m down to keep going.
Adam: [shrugging] It’s better than not getting paid.
JACK: Well? We lost precious time talking about this. Finish the task at hand. We’ll wipe it when we get back. WALTER, put a special label on this piece.
SCENE: Museum exterior at box truck and bikes
SFX: Night insects. Light distant traffic. Box truck gate door closes
ELLIE: I double-checked. That was the last piece. It looks just like it did before we got here.
JACK: 4 minutes behind schedule. Good thing this was the last lift. Meet you guys back at the checkpoint. [fading out] Hopefully our buyer in Dubai doesn’t find out, and kill us all.
SFX: motorcycles and truck start, drive off
SCENE: Warehouse. Night.
JACK: [speakerphone] It worked, guys. Buyer’s happy. The funds will be arriving to you individually. I’ll hand deliver the cases myself. What are we doing with our earnings?
RITTER: I scoped out a place in New Zealand. It has the same backdrop of some of the Lord of the Rings scenes.
DANNY: And the surfing’s sick.
ELLIE: I’m investing in some tobacco land down in Cuba. We’ll be smoking some fine Cubans before you know it.
Adam: I’m not taking any chances. I’ll lay low for a couple years. Keep teaching. I actually like my life. And if I don’t anymore, I can find something more exciting.
WALTER: Not a bad idea… I think I’ll give it a couple months too. Kids get out of school in the spring. Then I’ll get a place in the mountains when they head for college.
JACK: [speakerphone] Sounds like we’ve all… mostly… got it figured out. I’ll see you all shortly, once the funds have transferred. Should be within the week. Thank you, and congratulations. Enjoy your 8 mil.
SCENE: on phone
JACK: I have… news.
WALTER: [on phone] I’m sorry… Who is this?
JACK: WALTER, it’s JACK.
WALTER: [on phone, excited] JACK! What’s up?
JACK: Before we get into that… how are you liking your place in Colorado?
WALTER: [on phone] Love it. I’m on the back porch, looking over the valley. You’d be surprised at what 8 million doesn’t buy you in Colorado, but I like it.
JACK: Sounds incredible though.
WALTER: [on phone] So… what’s up?
JACK: We ummm… we found the right Wright plane. Or, the correct Wright plane. You know what I mean.
WALTER: [on phone] I don’t actually. What do you mean?
JACK: The one we lifted at the Smithsonian. It was a replica.
WALTER: [on phone] I was there, I know.
JACK: Yeah. Well, we found the real one.
WALTER: [on phone] That’s interesting. Anything else?
JACK: I called to tell you about this one though. It’s in Monaco. Some rich guy had it stolen from the museum during- as best we can tell- Katrina. Aaaand… I think we should return-
WALTER: [on phone] I’m not helping steal a plane to give it to the buyer in Dubai. I won’t do it. Anything else?
JACK: That’s not exactly what I had planned. I think we should lift it from the guy in Monaco, and return it to the rightful owners: the United States of America.
WALTER: [on phone] Who’s paying us?
JACK: There’s the rub. I… can’t pay you.
WALTER: [on phone] No.
SFX: phone hangs up. Phone dialing
JACK: RITTER! Hey, I have a favor to ask-
RITTER: [on phone] No
SFX: phone hangs up. Phone dialing
JACK: Hey, is this DANNY?
DANNY: [on phone] It is. What can I do for you?
JACK: I have a fun fact for you…
DANNY: [on phone] No
SFX: phone hangs up. Phone dialing
JACK: Good afternoon, ELLIE. Or, is it evening there? Timezones are confusing. Listen, I came across a real peculiar piece of information.
ELLIE: [on phone] Not going to do it.
SFX: phone hangs up. Phone dialing
JACK: Hey Adam. You remember that plane?
Adam: [on phone] Absolutely not
SFX: phone hangs up
JACK: Well… bummer.
SCENE: on private jet
JACK: So that’s what it took. A private flight to Monaco, and a couple days on a yacht. Well, thanks for making the time. I just didn’t feel right about leaving a fake, when the real one was in some private collection somewhere.
WALTER: Isn’t that exactly what we were going to do, to start off with?
JACK: Well… yeah. But, we weren’t the ones who pulled off the heist.
DANNY: So, what’s the plan?
JACK: It’s going to be pretty simple: we do the same as before. We have another replica of the Kitty Hawk. We go in, take the original, and replace it with this one. Bing bang boom, we’re out. We go our different routes. We rendezvous at the airport, jump on the plane, and do it again at the museum. After that, we’ll be entirely done. But before that, we have a few days on the yacht.
RITTER: Are we taking bikes again?
JACK: We are. There’s a little change of… scenery, but yes. We have bikes again.
SCENE: In Monaco
SFX: moped beeps
RITTER: [indignant] What are these?!
ELLIE: They’re mopeds: We’re in Europe. What did you expect?
JACK: I took the liberty of having these delivered while we were out on the boat. Tonight, we return here at 2. We have a plane to catch.
SFX: truck starts
ELLIE: See you there, guys.
SFX: mopeds beep and drive away
SCENE: Plane disassembly/assembly
JACK: Nobody’s home this go-round.
WALTER: Thank god.
JACK: Well? What are we waiting on? Unload the replica.
SCENE: moped police chase
SFX: European police cars in distance close in
JACK: Go go go! We got the last of it in the truck. WALTER! Drop the door on the truck! What are we waiting for?! Take your routes! Ditch the route if the cops get too close.
SFX: Mopeds and truck start, drive away. Police get closer. Tires screeching.
JACK: RITTER! Take that left up there! The cops won’t fit down that alley. I’ll see you in the states. Godspeed!
DANNY: That’s your turn right there, right? Okay! I’m out. See you there, guys!
SFX: More tire screeches
SCENE: At Smithsonian
SFX: Motorcycles stop. Truck gate opens.
JACK: Ah the memories… What an adventure, huh?
Adam: Let’s just get this over with. I don’t want to get caught trying to replace a priceless artifact, for free. At least with previous gigs, I could have gotten something out of it.
WALTER: The satisfaction of knowing the Wright flyer made it home isn’t enough for you?
Adam: Sure. And if things go awry, what’s not to love about a decade’s worth of free food and shelter all paid for by the American taxpayers.
Adam: Prison, WALTER. Prison.
WALTER: Oh, that. Relax. We’re professionals.
SCENE: Inside Museum
SFX: Clinking, old mechanical parts grating, grumbling.
Adam: Quick question, does this thingamajig go here by any chance?
ELLIE: I mean… if it fits?
Adam: Yeah, what’s the worst that could happen?
JACK: The flyer could fall apart and crush a child? C’mon, Adam, you’re an educator. Look over the plans if you’re not sure.
WALTER: Mannnn, you guys know any decent chiropractors? I’m killing myself over here.
RITTER: Don’t know if this applies but my sister’s a physician.
WALTER: Is she hot?
RITTER: WALTER, I’m holding a wrench.
ELLIE: Hey, shut up, someone’s coming.
SFX: Everyone stops what they’re doing. Footsteps near. Whoever it is, they wander around dangerously close. Leaves.
DANNY: Is he gone?
ELLIE: Looks like it.
JACK: Let’s get back to it, then.
Some time later…
JACK: Would you look at that. We just restored a crucial piece of American History. No, World History. Incredible. Hey, for a bunch of thieves, we’re not so bad, huh-- Guys? I’m having a profound moment here and you’re just gonna leave-- Guys, wait up! Darn it.
FINAL SCENE: weeks later...
SFX: phone rings
RALPH: Yeah. JACK. It’s RALPH. (hesitant) Listen… That plane you got in Monaco… it’s… the wrong one.